It's really hard to avoid doing this.

microblog post by Callum Stephen, usernam @autistic_callum_: someone: *does something horrible* autistic me: no worries! its all good! autistic me to myself a few days later: woah, that was not ok. i cant beleive i let them get away with that. my delayed processing! is it too late, inconsistant and/or odd to revoke me "no worries"?
BackOnMyBS Mod , (edited ) avatar

I relate to this a lot.

cosmicrookie , avatar

I had a situation like this at work even though I am not autistic. My boss verbally assaulted one of my colleagues in a very inappropriate way but I did not say anything. Neither did my colleague. At the moment I felt uncomfortable and also expected my colleague to react.

I actually thought about this a lot and even called my union to ask for advice. Should I wait for it to happen again or could i go and bring this up several weeks later?

It is never too late to bring it up and say: 'you know that thing you did yesterday/last week/last month? I didn't feel all right with that even though I didn't say so'

I also added that although it was not targeted at me, that I would really get offended if I was treated like that.

In my case it improved my relationship to that boss and we can have more open discussions than my colleagues have

systemglitch , (edited )

Once I figure out who's shitty (especially after delayed processing days, weeks or months later) I just stop positive engagement with them. They never have to know what I figured out. Leaves room for other to fill the void and life is better.

If I really don't like them I tell them exactly why. I've got sputtering responses that fill me with warmth years later each time I remember or tell the story to someone I care about.

People are not often bluntly confronted on their own shitty behaviour and there is a power over them when they know your know.

Crackhappy , avatar

That is quite similar to what I do. I just stop seeking them out.

Ilflish ,

I do this even when it's something extremely minor. "Yeah they brushed me as they went past and said sorry but what if it was more then a brush and a stumbled and fell on the road? Some people..."

artichokecustard ,

i got a friend who says to me now, "I get where you're coming from and that's really kind of you, but it isn't really all good, is it?" and it's been e n l i g h t e n i n g

Horrible_Goblin ,

I always thought that was just a me problem...

it does have it's upsides though. Revenge is so much easier when people have their guard down.

On a more serious note; yeah I revoke "no worries" occasionally. try not to do it too lightly, but if I feel it's relevant... I'd rather cause some drama than have all this unspoken bitterness buildup

CyanFen ,

How often are you interacting with people that do something horrible enough to warrant this being on your mind??

aStonedSanta ,

Oh. I see you don’t work with people. 😆

gmtom , avatar

Some worries man, some worries.

Madison420 , (edited )
gmtom , avatar

Wait Britta's in this?

TheFeatureCreature , avatar

People-pleasing and excessive conflict avoidance. Been there before.

_haha_oh_wow_ , avatar

I live there.

Hadriscus ,

Is that an autistic thing ?

DaGeek247 OP ,
DaGeek247 avatar

When you spend your formative years trying to 'fit in' (like most autistic people) you quickly learn that standing up for yourself is a failure in your attempts to not stand out. Those chidhood habits are incredibly hard to unlearn.

This meme isn't an exclusive trait for autistic people, just one that many autistic people struggle with.

Hadriscus ,

I see, thanks a lot.

Daefsdeda ,

I deal with this a lot and it is really making my (work) life a lot harder. Any advice on how to break through that blockade?

I find that I always start sounding to defense which makes me sounds even more guilty (atleast I think so)

BackOnMyBS Mod , avatar

Definitely more common with autistic people. There's a theory of autism, Intense World Theory, that posits the fundamental concepts of autism make the world is too intense for us. We perceive things more intensely, we process things more intensely, we remember things more intensely, and we focus more intensely. Since the world is tailored for NTs, we are more likely to develop a traumatized personality which results in fawning/people-pleasing. Orion Kelly has a video I like on fawning, though he doesn't discuss the Intense World Theory.

As far as my own personal beliefs at this time, I think that autistic people are constantly told from childhood that their perception of the world is incorrect. If we don't agree to succumb, we are punished. This makes us dependent on others to tell us how the world works. As such, we don't develop confidence in social situations and become submissive to others.

Hadriscus ,

Appreciate this immensely. Thanks for the reading material. I am going through it now. Each day since I found out about the hashtag on the fedi, I learn a new thing that unmistakably aligns with my experience. Now there's this place too. It's difficult to express how thankful I am for all that I've been discovering for the past few months now. It is completely life-changing, and I know I am only just started. Take care,

BackOnMyBS Mod , avatar

You're very welcome! I have found a lot of support and benefits from this community too. FYI, we have a Matrix chat that is really welcoming. Feel free to jump on in and act like you belong because you do! We generally just chat and talk about whatever, but we also have rooms for helpful support, tech related matters, and even memes.

retrolasered , avatar

Is someone the barber? 😁

kubica , avatar

I hate the compulsion to be nice to people that I'm not comfortable with.

breadsmasher , avatar

Non-autistic take, and Ive been on both sides.

If you really aren’t comfortable, bring it up with the person later. I have done this, and had this done to me as well.

“I was thinking about what happened the other day, I said I was Ok at the time but I am really not Ok …<explain>”

Crackhappy , avatar

That is fantastic advice for people who are capable of direct responses like that.

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