When the lyrics give you an appreciation for a genre outside your usual vibe. #affirmations#takeupspace#music#runnergirl#neurospicy@autisticadvocacy
Competing and comparison is a no for me though
My growth is not replicable or copy-friendly
I'm powerful beyond measure
The version of me others created in their mind
Is not my responsibility
I normalize saying no when others want too much from me
I uproot any soul ties of attachment that has held me hostage
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 203 , Saturday 18/05/2024
Ruff as a bears bum today, no energy, no appetite, everything I do hurts.
It’s probably only man-flu again, I seem to catch every bug going at the moment & regular Squirrel Spotters will be aware that I’m a bit of a wuss when it comes to common or garden illness. 🙄🤦♂️
I keep plodding along, hoping that I catch a break at some point.
I am better this afternoon, this morning I felt like death warmed up, lunch was 5/6 of 2 rounds of toast - don’t ask - & tea will be venturing into the dubious gastronomic delights of a can of tommy soup.
I am a little brighter & well enough to write my diary, so that is an improvement.
Final Thoughts.
Please can someone hail a Delorean to transport me back to my 40s ?
I have to say that I am in total awe of those folk I know who live with chronic pain, chronic depression is a walk in the park in comparison, you peeps are the bravest folk I know!
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 201 , Friday 17/05/2024
The number of things that trigger me that I have to keep bottled up , for the sake of a quiet life ! l
Like her taking just the stuff out of the dishwasher she needs (sometimes moving other pots out of the way & then putting them back in the dishwasher ! ) & just the stuff she needs - generally to make her morning snack, which she then leaves for me to tidy away!
It’s even more triggering on days when she is working from home!
No wonder all motivation is dead well before mid-day!
Once upon a time men were criticised for going to work & leaving everything else to their wives, well I have news for the world, that never went away & has achieved true equality! Certainly in our household!
It’s 09:12 & my day is fecked & I still have the dishwasher to empty, her dishes to wash / put in the newly emptied dishwasher & then hang out the laundry.
Don’t get me wrong I fully appreciate that I have to contribute , but I never signed up for this & I don’t know how to tackle it.
GP suggested marriage guidance - yeah sure that’ll work well with my autistic nature & dislike of humaning !
Sometimes it’s all too much & I just want my head to explode & get it over with !
Oh now I’m coughing & aching all over, gimme a break !
Seems I’ve come down with another bug ! Achy, stomach rebelling at the thought of lunch, freezing cold - got a warm top on and wrapped in a blanket. Had a warm Ribena™ (my hot drink of last resort) which appears to have helped a little.
Is it normal for hot drinks to mean you feel colder when you initially drink them - my body thinks so at the moment!
Ahhhh !!! I cannot get a break this year !
And another thing my tinnitus is so loud ! *grumpily snuggles deeper into blanket.
I refuse to go to bed at 13:54 on a moderately sunny summers day !
I shall kill baddies instead & hope I don’t die too much.
Ok it’s 18:30 I’m on the brink of falling asleep.
No appetite , which is a damn shame it being pizza night!
Final Thoughts.
I’ll be the one at the taxidermist….
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 200 , Wednesday 15/05/2024
Up early again , breakfast, chores , whole 9 yards.
I’ve been referred to the local cardiology dept for my dizzy spells , phone appointment next month, I don’t hold out much hope that they will get anywhere, but never say never hey !
Octopus Energy , after an initially promising start, have totally failed to get our smart meter system working properly. Both meters appear to be transmitting so that at least is an improvement but the IHD is only showing electric readings. In the latest episode the help desk lass - ‘Edna’ gave me the instructions to set up a budget …. Despite me sending her a photo showing that the IHD is NOT seeing the gas meter at all!
I mean will setting a budget magically get the comms going between the gas meter & the IHD ? I think not !
Final Thoughts.
Why is it so hard to get seemingly simple things done in this world ?
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 198 , Tuesday 14/05/2024
Up just before 6am for some reason that will have scientists puzzled long after the Unified Field Theory is discovered!
Breakfast is done & coffee is drunk.
I sit looking at my TL & feeling a strange reluctance to engage. It’s not that anyone has upset me or that I’m particularly triggered by a toot . I just shy away from interaction with the rest of the Fediverse.
Some of it is that I feel overwhelmed by the number of folk I have to respond to - I have to respond to everyone who mentions me or who greets the world at large, it’s an unconscious imperative for me.
Most days I love this level of interaction, it energises me & elevates my spirits, but not today.
I will engage with folk, because I feel that I will failed them & myself if I don’t.
Maybe a shower first though, prevaricating ….
Ok so the day got better & SM was engaged with !
Hit Fo4 this afternoon then the usual evening activities.
Final Thoughts.
Ok struggling at the moment , thank Nuggan it’s warm & mostly sunny otherwise it might be quiet grim!
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 198 , Monday 13/05/2024
Up early for some reason beyond this simple squirrels reasoning.
Tidied up after herself, did my chores & went for a walk in the warm early summer sunshine !
I cannot seem to find the impetus to get stuff done, I work best to a deadline & the only person pushing me at the moment is me, which would be fine but I have minimal motivation levels at the moment.
I’m wondering from day to day like a leaf blowing in the breeze, no direction, no purpose.
At least the days are warm now & a lot sunnier, saving energy is easier , my lone mission to drag our energy bills down is less onerous in the summer.
Final Thoughts.
I suspect that I am going through a depressive episode, I hope I come through to the other side soon.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 195 , Friday 10/05/2024
I woke when herself decided that 05:45 was a good time to get up - must get in the hours reading time before we go to work!
Managed to get out for another walk , a bit earlier today & those I came across were a lot friendlier than yesterday , everybody responded & smiled 😊 .
Did the daily chores but was in a funny mood, I really felt the need for isolation today , I had a quick spin on Masto but then hid away for the day.
I was strangely chuffed by being visited by 3 bees today , one was a seriously tubby bumble bee !
In contrast I noticed this evening that the 3 spiders who had taken up residence in the top outside corners of our kitchen window have vanished, they left egg balls but either they haven’t hatched or the youngsters have hatched & left. Point being , that for the first time in several years no spiders - & barely any midges from the pond . So I wonder if the spiders left due to lack of prey ?
Finished the day with a pizza, a couple of pints of cider & a ‘Silent Witness’ or 2 .
Final Thoughts.
I had a thought yesterday following a conversation with a neighbour:
I find it ridiculously hard to start conversations , but once started I find it more difficult to end them, I don’t seem to recognise the body language that says ‘bugger off , we’re done here’ & continue to witter on, until it gets awkward or the other party (as happened yesterday ) gets interrupted by a 3rd party.
I wonder if this is related to my autistic self. I wonder if other autistic folks have a similar experience ?
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 194 , Thursday 09/05/2024
Woke to a possibly the best , sunniest day so far this year.
Sorted breakfast & tidied up after herself, then almost in-spite of myself went for a short (2km) walk.
For the first time, in a long time I had a good walk! I was not pushing all the way, a steady pace didn’t wipe me out ! The birds were singing & the sun was warm & bright!
Shame about the dog walkers - I was out a bit later than normal so maybe it was a different crowd, but what an ignorant , arrogant bunch of stuck up … one person responded to my greeting one!
What happened to good manners ? Maybe they are too woke ???
It’s little wonder I don’t do people in the flesh !
My sudden burst of energy persisted thru today , (I hope this isn’t a manic phase, I hate dropping off the end of those !
The kettle was brutally descaled to within an inch of its life & then because the solar panels were maxing out in the sunshine I went wild & gave the washing machine a deep clean. Of course by the time that I had cleaned the powder dispenser & the seals & started the cleaning wash cycle the sun went behind the clouds ! 🙄🤦♂️
Hit Fo4 this afternoon sure in the knowledge that I actually achieved something today !
It’s pitiful when you look at it objectively , but in comparison to recently it was a good day.
Cooked beans & scrambled eggs for tea, partially because we had some eggs to use up & partially because I wanted something easy.
Finished the evening watching ‘Masters of the Air’ , same crew that made Band of Brothers - but as with the one they did on the Pacific its not of the same quality as BoB !
Final Thoughts.
I miss companionship sometimes , I’m about as social as a polar bear with shingles but sometimes it would be nice to just be with someone, not worry about masking , not pretend to be fine, not fake enjoyment of another’s pastime.
Hey ho, it is what it is.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 193 , Wednesday 08/05/2024
Up early as Mrs S. was back in the office today.
It was a lovely sunny morning so I had a little more energy today so cleaned the vacuum cleaner filters & the fluffy roller on the front - drying it is extremely suggestive. 😆
Cleaned the coffee machine , which has been needing a deep clean for a week, so that was a good job done - dismantling the brewing unit & regreasing it is a pain in the butt , but it does make it work better !
Hit Fo4 again this afternoon , then just for a change watched Fallout the series with Mrs S. while we ate our tea.
Final Thoughts.
Another quiet day but a bit more energy & motivation which was nice. The PF in my foot seems to be fading slowly which is a plus !
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 192 , Tuesday 07/05/2024
Up early as Mrs S. was back in work - she has me so well trained that I didn’t even need the alarm - Pavlovian responses kicked in.
It has been a quiet day, I have lacked both physical & mental energy. That said , bathroom has been cleaned & various minor chores dealt with.
MiL is still in hospital, still waiting for her CT.
Was good tonight & got back on the diet , the plan was soup with a bread roll, but for whatever reason the bread rolls were 3 days out of date & going mouldy , so a stricter diet that at first intended.
Final Thoughts.
There is a certain irony in the fact that upon hearing my MiL was ill in hospital my side of the family have been in more contact with me than in the whole of the year so far - but my role is simply as a provider of updates.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 190 , Sunday 05/05/2024
Sunday dawned bright an sunny, I checked the time - 6am , blinkin sun!
So I turned over & got another couple of hours sleep in 😆
My MiL is still in hospital, she was supposed to have a CT scan today but apparently it’s bust .. so another nights stay. Mrs S. went to see her as my EDFitis is still ongoing making traveling very uncomfortable !
Spent a quiet day playing Fo4 , nothing like killing super mutants to calm the nerves 😂
The hospital visit didn’t go very well for various reasons so I treated Mrs S. to a takeaway for her tea.
Final Thoughts.
I really have not felt very sociable today so spent very little time on Mastodon, my whole being is shrinking away from contact at the moment , I wonder if it is the stress of dealing with the whole situation with my MiL & its repercussions.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 188 , Saturday 04/05/2024
Up at around 07:30 to a day that promised to be filled with more difficulty than I anticipated it might yesterday morning.
To set the scene:
Last night my MiL , who is very elderly & quite frail but still lives at home with the help of carers , had a fall.
We were contacted by her carers when they found her on the floor as they arrived to make her comfortable for the night.
We live about an hour away by car & both Mrs S. & I had had a few drinks so we had to depend on the carers to sort out getting an ambulance for my MiL who they suspected had broken her leg.
We’ll skip lightly over the fight we had , over the phone , with her to get her to go - she fears the NHS staff might bump her off 🙄🤦♂️ .
So we went to bed with all this hanging over our heads.
Thusly we arrive at Saturday morning:
The hospital has called , apparently while in a lot of pain my MiL has just got a sprained ankle. This is good !
They are sending her home later , but Mrs S. has a somewhat fraught relationship with her mum so while we are on standby in case anything untoward happens she is letting the hospital sort out returning her Mum home.
This sits uncomfortably with me, I feel that herself should make some effort here.
Don’t get me wrong she gets her mums shopping once a week , & see’s to her administrative well being, but when a loved one (even a semi estranged one) is in distress I think that one should step up.
Once I would have pushed the point, but I no longer have the spoons to deal with the resulting fallout, so I will keep my thoughts to myself & let the situation play out as it will.
We spent an uneasy afternoon watching TV, waiting for the phone to go, finally got a a call late this afternoon, turns out that they are keeping my MiL in hospital, sounds like they suspect a possible broken hip & have scheduled a CT scan for tomorrow .
Watching the last of the Terminator franchise (Dark Fate) while eating Chinese takeaway.
Final Thoughts.
Sometimes plans change in a heartbeat due to reasons way out of our control, once again I will spend an uneasy night wondering if my MiL is ok.
I wish that Mrs S. & her mum had a better relationship , it disturbs me at a fairly fundamental level that herself is yet to check in with her mum either in person or on the phone.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 188 , Friday 03/05/2024
Up early this morning despite Mrs S. being on holiday & me feeling ruff as a bears bum due to nightmares overnight & what I am now calling EDFitis - the whole thing with the dizziness & the nausea.
I made breakfast & hung out the laundry , spending some time roaming the Fediverse before hitting FO4.
Continued the Supernatural fest this evening.
Final Thoughts.
I’m supposed to go to a family birthday do tomorrow, I hope I’m well enough !
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 186 , Thursday 02/05/2024
So I’ve been feeling ruff as a bears bum for a few days now (again , you would think more regular exercise would take me the other way 🙄) so I planned to try and sleep thru to 8ish. I put in my ear plugs & set the alarm accordingly.
I was awake at 05:50 … a mix of my traitorous body responding to its Pavlovian training & the noise of herself romping round the house like baby elephant , in that considerate way she has.
So here I sit, my brain is moving at glacial speeds & my body feels like a train hit it.
At least she’s in the office today, so a day of peace & quiet!
I hate how little I am able to do at the moment , either thru illness or depression stealing my motivation.
Sometimes I wish I had a child , or a dog - they seem to be highly motivational from what I can see from the lives of others who have them.
I would be a terrible father or dog owner though , so probably best all round that I avoid both .
Oh while I’m on a roll I WISH my tinnitus would give me a break! It’s been screaming so loud in my ears for days now!
Where to go next on my ASD journey has been on my mind for a few days, the GPs completely negative reaction last time I went to see him has ripped me asunder. Where I had a set path now I flounder in indecision. I guess I have to decide if I need to be able to function better in society , or whether I just stick 2 fingers up at society & return to being a hermit.
Had a really epic FO4 session today after I finished my chores & then when Mrs S. got home we went & did our civic duty & voted - me being plagued by dizzy spells, nausea & exhaustion on the walk there and back & her being plagued by her dodgy knee ! We made a right pair, I think the thing that holds our marriage together at the moment is the need for mutual physical support , together we make a whole working person !
Caved & watched the first episode of Fallout - I’ve missed a couple of the games so I don’t know just how true it is to the earlier games, but I (& surprisingly Mrs S.) enjoyed it , so yeah, roll on ep 2 !
Final Thoughts.
Others write of monumental achievements , of beating challenges , or of coping with pain or personal circumstances that would reduce a normal person to jelly. I wish I were that strong.
I defo have EDFitis again , & it seems as though it’s gonna take its own sweet time to pass. Bummer !
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 185 , Tuesday 30/04/2024
Woke to the nicest day so far this year, went for a walk, it was nice to feel the sun on my face !
I’m having an ongoing issue with lack of energy, did a few chores & I was exhausted !
So had a couple of hours on here in between involuntary naps & got a an hour or so of FO4 squeezed in - got a sweet set of early game ‘toys’ so ploughing thru most of the bad guys !
Last of the rotisserie chicken we got from Costco for tea, then the usual couple of hours TV with herself before she buggered off to read upstairs .
Final Thoughts.
I hope I can get back to some semblance of normal before the summer ends, it would be nice to have som fun in the sun.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 184 , Monday 29/04/2024
Monday already!
Up at just before 6 , dizziness made itself known because why not !
Walkies nonetheless , even though walkies at the moment is merely an unpleasant means to an end.
FO4 was the order of the day , Mrs S. offered to go clothes shopping with me this afternoon but I was just not up for mixing with my fellow humans today.
Final Thoughts.
Once again the plans I made for getting stuff done in a day have fallen by the wayside , I guess I got out for a walk & got my basic shores done so it wasn’t a total write off.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 183 , Sunday 28/04/2024
Slept in this morning , felt somewhat better for the extra couple of hours.
We went to Costco, with a plan to then go on to M&S for some clothes. Sadly the lighting in Costco plays havoc with me , dizziness & nausea shortened our time in there & meant that we came straight home.
A couple of further dizzy spells this afternoon one fairly minor, but the other causing me some distress indicate that my subconscious stress levels are still high.
We had chicken, chips & gravy for tea, vaguely naughty but very nice.
Final Thoughts.
I thought I was over the dizzy spells earlier this year, but once more EDF messed with my head & we are back almost to square one. Thankfully we have just received the final bill from EDF so I will be rid of them for good by the end of next month.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 182 , Saturday 27/04/2024
TL:DR - hands up everyone who wants me to write a summary for an entry of half a dozen lines or so.
Up at 06:30 for some weird reason known only to Mrs S.
So tired today, exhausted to my very bones.
Did my chores then hit FO4 , I do like that game.
We had a Chinese takeaway for tea with a side of Terminator:Genisys .
Final Thoughts.
What happened to the old me who was full of energy & re-landscaping the garden at this time of year not so many years ago, they seem to have emigrated or something.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 180 , Friday 26/04/2024
TL:DR Walkies, stress related mankyness, Masto cake wars & FO4 . What more can one wish of a Friday ??
Up around 6am . Breakfast & then walkies. There is a stress transfer thingy going on I think - the dizziness / nausea problems associated with dealing with EDF is now being triggered by the low level anxiety associated with not wanting to walk on a buggered foot.
A mix of this, the agoraphobia & the general dislike of peopling is making getting out for a walk a pain in the bum!
Had a brilliant banter session with some good friends on here , really cheered me up!
Played the new version of FO4 for a little while , the updated graphics & general fixes are breathing new life into the game for me.
Final Thoughts.
It’s entirely possible I may be addicted to FO4 , heaven only knows how many hours I’ve put into it. I really don’t know what it is about that game that keeps me coming back.
One day I might even finish all the DLCs 😆
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖