Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 193 , Wednesday 08/05/2024
Up early as Mrs S. was back in the office today.
It was a lovely sunny morning so I had a little more energy today so cleaned the vacuum cleaner filters & the fluffy roller on the front - drying it is extremely suggestive. 😆
Cleaned the coffee machine , which has been needing a deep clean for a week, so that was a good job done - dismantling the brewing unit & regreasing it is a pain in the butt , but it does make it work better !
Hit Fo4 again this afternoon , then just for a change watched Fallout the series with Mrs S. while we ate our tea.
Final Thoughts.
Another quiet day but a bit more energy & motivation which was nice. The PF in my foot seems to be fading slowly which is a plus !
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Does anyone ever consider learning sign language not because they can't speak, but just because sometimes they don't want to? Or don't feel up to it? #ActuallyAutistic@actuallyautistic
Do any other #ActuallyAutistic, especially also #ChronicIllness folks get that nagging worry when you didn’t communicate well enough to a Dr?
After a Dr told me yesterday I didn’t fit criteria for something & I looked it up and thought actually I did, I commented to D I hadn’t even been asked one of the criteria.
D said he did ask but it seems he phrased it in a way that made me assume he meant something specific that wasn’t happening.
He also asked if I get dry eyes and mouth. I said my eyes have always been dry to the point I can’t wear contacts. I also have a really dry mouth but he’d already moved on to another question and I didn’t want to interrupt.
@Troggie I’m always weary of people in positions of authority who steamroll you in information exchanges.
If a doctor asks me questions and doesn’t give any information back as to what my answers might mean medically, I always think that they have a preconceived decision of what condition my health is in and are trying to get the correct paperwork done to support their decision. Doesn’t do anything for my confidence in them.
I don’t want to go into NT vs Autistic in this regard because I talked to many neurotypical but skeptically minded people who can actually base their decisions on available data but many people just go by their gut feelings and try to fit the world to their ideas. We’re used to politicians and bureaucrats behaving that way but we don’t expect that from doctors. Many of them absolutely do that all the time.
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 192 , Tuesday 07/05/2024
Up early as Mrs S. was back in work - she has me so well trained that I didn’t even need the alarm - Pavlovian responses kicked in.
It has been a quiet day, I have lacked both physical & mental energy. That said , bathroom has been cleaned & various minor chores dealt with.
MiL is still in hospital, still waiting for her CT.
Was good tonight & got back on the diet , the plan was soup with a bread roll, but for whatever reason the bread rolls were 3 days out of date & going mouldy , so a stricter diet that at first intended.
Final Thoughts.
There is a certain irony in the fact that upon hearing my MiL was ill in hospital my side of the family have been in more contact with me than in the whole of the year so far - but my role is simply as a provider of updates.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Much to my shock I realised that I could be autistic when I was 53, roughly 7 years ago. And it was a shock, even though I suspect a very small, well hidden and very much ignored part of me, might have suspected. No one told me about it, or suggested that it might be the case. I did not see myself in relatives, the way so many of us do. I just happened to come across an autism test online and for no particular reason, took it.
It was that, that started me on my path to realising and finally accepting the truth that I was autistic. But, looking back, I sometimes find it hard to understand how I didn't know earlier. So much of my life now, just screams autism at me. But even ignoring the horribly ableist and medieval view I had of what autism was, the main reason why I didn't was probably because I could mask, both from myself and others, so well.
It was, I realise now, a life lived in denial. A denial of how much things bothered me, how much effort I had to put into things. Even a denial of the things I knew I couldn't do. Because this is the thing about appearing to mask so well, for so long. It is, in a sense, a lie. I couldn't mask well, if at all. Not all the time. Not in all situations or circumstances. There were things I just couldn't cope with, or even begin to deal with. But the trick was, that I either knew about them, or learnt the hard way about them and then I could manage my life to avoid them. Because they were things I could live without, without affecting how I appeared to be coping. Things that didn't affect the way I lived, even if they did affect my sense of worth. Because, how broken did you have to be, not to be able to go to crowded events, like a sports match, or a concert? Or to be able to deal with the socialising of a large gathering, or a family event, without having to hide in the kitchen, or forever outside, or break down in a toilet?
It was all part of how I masked myself from myself. The internal masking, as I like to call it. If I couldn't cope, then I was broken. If I couldn't stand something, then I was too picky, or sensitive, or I simply needed to learn to ignore it. And somehow I did learn. I learnt how to cope with noise and smell and visual overwhelm. I learnt to not let things bother me. To a point at least. There was always a step too far, when I couldn't, or didn't have the energy any more to maintain it. And this did take energy, a lot of it. Something I've only realising now that I don't have the energy to spare to even try it. Or the ability to, in many respects now that I know what I was trying so desperately to hide from.
Because when the truth is known, it's far harder to deny it. It's far harder to live the life where appearing to cope, is as good as coping. Where blaming yourself, is easier than seeing others faults. Where ignoring the pain, makes the pain go away. It's hard to see the mask as a benefit and always a good thing, rather than the shield and tool it always was.
I read a post elsewhere where someone said ND people can be brilliant entrepreneurs, scientists, etc and function well in society. And if someone struggles to function means they are disordered and have a developmental disability. Said it as if its either or.
Which is very strange because I’m an entrepreneur and I don’t function well in society.
Am I supposed to be a “brilliant entrepreneur” only and not struggle to function?
And since I struggle it means I’m developmentally disabled? What?
I want to lead an aesthetic life. I want to nurture myself and be quirky amd free.
But at the same time, I'm anxious and exhausted. And I'm pretty sure that this is what autistic burnout is: wanting to create a built environment that supports you, but not being able to because you have no support.
Can you help me out? I’m looking for some sources to share about workplace accommodations for neurodivergent folks, and I’d like to be able to recommend more than the typical big-magazine articles. I’d prefer to share resources that have actually been made by / with ND folks 😅
I know they’re out there. I’ve read them. I trusted my ability to search them back up again too much 😅. Do you have any links you can push my way?
This isn't just stuff #ActuallyAutistic people hear as kids (although there's plenty of messed-up shit that happens in childhood as well).
I experienced the first of these (minus the "a little bit", of course) when I was 39, and the second when I was 44. I had a severely messed-up family that did a strikingly good job of hiding how they really felt about aspects of my being ... until they knew that revealing them would be devastating.
@bookstodon@bookwyrm
If you read large print or dyslexic font paperback books do you prefer this to be indicated on the cover (say on a banner at the top) to help you identify the accommodation?
I compiled a quick poll based on different perspectives I've read.
➡️ Please consider sharing to help me reach more readers.
@bookstodon many months ago I received feedback that some readers disliked how I labeled my large-font edition of Late Identified #AuDHD workbook. So I could do better, I asked.
The majority that participated reported they wanted the accommodation labeled on their paperback in a visible way.
And well, there's like a very persistent pattern in all these self assessment test results 😅
Not as high as yours, but still in the "yes, lol" side of things