-Emma-

-Emma- OP , 4 days ago

I had considered switching in the past, but I like the comfort of what I know with pfSense and the stability afforded to me from it. Thank you for the recommendation though.

-Emma- OP , 4 days ago

I do advise keeping an eye open for opportunities elsewhere.

I have been wanted to evacuate soon, but my heart is pulling me in lots of different directions, and I don't really know which path to follow.

In the meantime, you're not going to be a fan of this advice, but discord is a good place to find communities.

Yeah, that's what my friend Lacey was telling me. I just can't do that right now. Making these posts is difficult enough.

Thank you for the well wishes.

-Emma- OP , 4 days ago

I appreciate the advice, but I would sooner harm myself than go back to facebook (sorry if that's too dark). If my choices in life are between being surrounded by friends while all interactions are monitored closely by facebook, or being forever alone and disallowed from human experiences, then there's really nothing here for me anymore. I hope it doesn't come to that.

-Emma- OP , 4 days ago

I had checked not long ago and didn't see any nearby groups. I've used it before for another purpose, but I don't remember my account credentials and don't wanna make another account if it's not usefule for this purpose. Thanks for the suggestion though.

-Emma- OP , 3 days ago

Hiya. It's kinda hard for me to pulll away from Matrix and the friends that I've made there, and I've not been good about remembering to come back here to the fediverse. I really created this thread looking specifically for people to meet offline. If you're looking for more offine friends, you might want to join us on Matrix.

Also, thank you for saying my name 😊 It feels so nice to see.

-Emma- OP , 2 days ago

Sending love and support to you and everyone stuck in Florida ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

-Emma- OP , 4 days ago

You're in southeast Louisiana? Do you happen to use Matrix? I'd rather not join things like Discord if I can help it, and I'm not really a gamer. My laptop probably couldn't handle running steam anyway.

-Emma- OP , 4 days ago

Thank you for the reminder for myself and others that read this thread. Yes, I am aware of the dangers and the necessity of public meetings, and I'd probably bring a family member with me if I actually find someone here to meet.

Thank you for the well wishes and support.

-Emma- OP , 4 days ago

Thanks cowboy, and yes it's been nice.

...

But I also feel like I've been numb for so long that this sudden capacity for feeling, mixed with these new relationships, has just melted me down to my very core and left me more distraught than I otherwise would have been. It's one thing to be lonely, but it's quite another to feel so connected and loved by others and yet unable to ever be in their presence. I was more positive when I made my original post searching for friends, but this time I'm just...I don't even know. I came here to distract myself, and I figured I may as well do this now, call out to the void to save me. But there's no one coming. I don't have hope that anything will come of these threads. I don't think I'm likely to find anyone. I just wish this were all easier. I wish I could just meet my friends and feel a sense of calm wash over me, allowing me to relax and breath easy, knowing everything will be okay. I need to be strong for others, but I also struggle to be strong for myself, and I wish I could just cry with my friends. I've cried enough tears in solitude, and I don't wanna feel trapped anymore. I can't continue like this; I need an escape from the pain.

-Emma- OP , 2 days ago

Well I'm thankfully close to the Greater New Orleans Area, instead of being totally isolated from blue cities. As a last resort, I might try to work up the courage to go to Pride stuff this year, but I'm so nervous of large crowds of people and evereything being recorded for social media now. If it weren't for all of the cameras, I might actually be able to find LGBTQ+ people during carnival time.

Thank you for the luck 🍀 😊

-Emma- , 5 days ago

very

-Emma- , 7 days ago

why hello there my super bestest best friend!! 🥰 i too love my family here on lemmy and matrix, and i wouldn't trade this for the world 💕 my parents are supportive and very helpful, but i rely on you and this family for the love and community that i really need ❤️ i love you so very very much 💗

-Emma- , 7 days ago

you are loved. never forget that Keris ❤️

-Emma- , 6 days ago

I'm so lucky to have you in my life now 🥰

We will take on this world together 💕

and nothing can stop us; the future is what we decide, what we make it to be.

❤️💖💗💖❤️

-Emma- OP , 12 days ago

I'm not sure where you are

I'm in southeast Louisiana. I've been doing laser for my whole body since I started HRT, but I've only done three sessions on my...delicate region. I'm just concerned about the permanence of laser and the wait for surgery. One of the reasons I'm considering evacuating to a safe state on the west coast is that I could hopefully have the surgery covered by my insurrance.

Was 4 months for the consultation and almost a year for the surgery.

I've heard some people suggesting that some surgeons have a wait list of three to five years, and I absolutely cannot wait that long. One year is already long enough to consider.

Thank you for your comment ❤️

-Emma- OP , 12 days ago

A small amount of hairs will always grow back.

Yeah, that's what I was saying on matrix is what concerns me. Like, I'm thinking I just want the most permanent removal possible. I'm such a perfectionist, and it causes bad thoughts to consider flaws and stuff. I really need to find a surgeon and go over this stuff. Also a therapist would probably help a lot right now..

-Emma- OP , 12 days ago

omg that is so good to know! thank you thank you! that is like the missing puzzle piece that actually calmed my mind about it. i should still get a therapist tho.

-Emma- OP , 11 days ago

yeah i've been doing the laser first just like you said. my doctor that prescribes my hrt is the one who does the laser, and she said i may need the electrolysis after laser is done. well at least for the remaining light-colored hairs. buy yeah, i can kinda work myself into mild panic and stress out enough to doubt myself. like a lot. lol

-Emma- OP , 11 days ago

damn, two therapists? this gate-keeping of healthcare is really exhausting and frustrating. exhaustingly frustrating. frustratingly exhausting. grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

-Emma- OP , 11 days ago

and you get the insurance immediately after moving if you are low income

I would guess that I'd need to actually have a residence there right? So like, if I can manage to rent a room, I'm good, but if I can't find a stable living situation it wouldn't count as having moved there?

I currently have Medicare, so I think everything should be covered if I can just manage to secure a residence.

-Emma- OP , 11 days ago

If you have insurance now, it might cover bottom surgery.

I currently have Medicare, so it looks like I am covered. 😊

You'll likely need two letters of support in order to receive coverage: one from your hrt provider and one from a mental health provider.

Well I do currently have a GP that prescribes my HRT and should be able to write me a letter, and I have a Psychiatrist who knows that the only reason I'm talking to him is to get the letter. So maybe I'm all set and don't need to rope a third person into this to get consent to alter my own body? (I cannot begin to articulate the level of rage that I feel about my lack of bodily autonmy)

-Emma- OP , 11 days ago

My surgeon did electro as part of the operation and I have had no problems over a year out with hair.

Wow, I had no idea this was even possible. I'm learning quite a lot recently.

what surgical technique interests you

I think you've already seen my messages about that in one of the Matrix chat rooms. If not, I can elaborate here or there.

how you're paying

I usually pay for things using cash that I withdraw from my checking/savings.

if you have insurance coverage

I currently have Medicare coverage.

how far you're willing to travel

If I need to flee the country, I'll do it.

what your cost limits are

I'm willing to empty my savings and, if necessary, sell access to my body. I need the surgery.

what you think about each individual surgeon

What I think I really need is to actually talk to one or more surgeons in-person so that I can know what to expect, and as I said before, I really don't wanna be on a waiting list for more than a year. That and the cost are the main reasons I'm considering evacuating to the west coast.

I'm hoping that I can get letters from my GP (who prescribes my HRT) and my Psychiatrist (who knows I'm only interested in the letter), and I figure that the letters do not expire and can be taken out of state if I evacuate. Is this correct?

Thank you for all of the help to start me off in my research. ❤️

-Emma- OP , 6 days ago

Unless you have fuck loads of cash I'd say settle in for the long haul and cope,

😢

unless you're like some boomer with a house?

😢

I take it you're in the US?

yeah, in the deep south 😢

Is there insurance that covers it maybe?

😢

Laser, you mean on face or genitalia?

everywhere. i'm pretty much done with face now and have been focusing on genital region. i'll be doing electro of remaining light facial hairs soon.

i've learned some good info from this thread, that laser isn't technically necessary, that electro is also not technicaly necessary, and idk. i've already paid for several sessions, so i'm gonna get 'em done and take it from there.

i wish this were easier. i wish that i could just push the button. i wish it didn't have to be this way.

thank you for your reply ❤️

-Emma- OP , 12 days ago

idk if it makes sense to repy to you here like this, since matrix is like my home now, but thank you very much for the support. it means a lot 😊 and yeah, if i don't have much luck in this specific community, i might cast a bigger net. we shall see.

-Emma- OP , 11 days ago

yes definitely. i wish the world were a nicer and safer place, but alas.

i've met someone from an online datin app before, so i'm not totally in the new here. of course i was still closeted back then, and it's very different now...but yeah, i know some public places to meet, and i would def make loved ones aware of my location and plans and stuff.

thank you for looking out for me 😊

-Emma- OP , 11 days ago

thank you for everything 🥰

-Emma- OP , 7 days ago

a very good friend indeed 😊 just don't get too distracted over there (kinda telling myself that too 😉)

-Emma- , 1 month ago

Interesting. I am also prescribed progesterone (capsules), and I didn't really get any push-back. When I started HRT, my doctor had said that we could consider it once she had gotten my estrogen levels where I wanted them, which she had said would be after about a year.

Well a year on HRT later, and blood-work showed my estrogen levels were within the lower range for women. So I asked her to increase my dose one more time and prescribe progesterone, and she did without hesitation, after explaining it a bit.

I'm really lucky to have such a great doctor. I'm in a deep red state, and it takes an hour to get to my doctor appointments in the nearest blue city. I guess I'm also lucky that it's only an hour each way.

I have two somewhat personal questions for you, if that's okay:

• Do you intend to take progesterone for life, or are you expecting to stop taking it at some point?

• Do you take it everyday?

I currently take it each night, but only for the first half of the month each month.

Thanks for reading 😊️

-Emma- , 1 month ago

Thank you very much for the information!

I'm still pre-op, doing laser, and procrastinating on investigating surgeons in blue cities. My doctor had said that some people take it forever, and some only temporarily. So that's why I was curious about your perspective, as someone who is basically where I want to be.

You doctor's hesitancy is concerning. I hate this overall trend of gatekeeping health care, like the current mess in the UK. That PhilosophyTube video about trans healthcare in the UK was an eye-opener for me as to how seriously toxic the healthcare system there had gotten.

And as far as the slight increase in chance of breast cancer (matching cisgender women), I had told my doctor from the start that I'd prefer breast cancer than ending things myself. Worst case, I die while transitioning and am at least able to feel joy in my final days. As a child, I never thought I would live past 30, but now I actually feel joy and a desire to keep going.

Thank you again for sharing some personal information with me ❤️

-Emma- , 1 month ago

If my doctor and/or psychiatrist make me wait like that, I don't know what I'll do. I feel trapped here in this red state. And the way things are going in the US right now... it's troubling. But one way or another, I'm getting that surgery.

-Emma- , 1 month ago (edited 1 month ago)

Okay...so you know the music video for this song:

Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green day (Music Video Dialog)

---

[young couple relaxing together in a beautiful meadow]

Boy:
"You know they say life is short. They say you wake up one day and, on that day, all of your dreams and, everything you wished for and you wanted are, gone just like that. Ya know? People... People get old and, ya know things change and and situations change and, what I want is I just, I want this moment right now this day, my feelings for you, the way you look right now, the way I look at you, I just want this to last forever. Ya know?"

Girl:
"And it will. I mean no matter what we've always had this and had each other. You know nothing can change that. But I just want you to know, no matter what you always have somebody here for you, always and, I'm never gonna leave you. I'm never gonna leave you. [kiss] I love you."

Boy:
"I know. I know."

Girl:
"Don't ever leave me."

Boy:
"I won't."

Girl:
"Don't ever leave."

Boy:
"I won't, I won't."

[first part of song plays while video clips show their happy memories together]

[after about 90 seconds, song fades out abruptly as girl bursts out of house to confront boy]

Girl:
"Tell me you didn't. Tell me you didn't."

Boy:
"Do what?"

Girl:
"Tell me you didn't do it."

Boy:
"Didn't do what?"

[she slaps him]

Girl:
"Tell me you didn't do it please please tell me you didn't do it. Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god! No no please don't do this! Don't do this!"

Boy:
"Don't do this don't do this."

Girl:
"Please! How could you do that and not tell me?!"

Boy:
"Don't do this don't do this. I wanted to tell you I was just-"

Girl:
"I love you so much!"

Boy:
"I love you too."

Girl:
"Don't!"

Boy:
"Oh stop stop stop just listen I-"

Girl:
"How could you do this to me? How could you do this? Oh my god! Oh my god!"

Boy:
"Wait I thought of all people you would understand. Why don't you understand? I did this for us! I did this for us!"

Girl:
"Oh my god! No no no!"

Boy:
"This is supposed to make it easier! I thought you'd be proud of me! I though at least of all people you would understand why I did this!"

Girl:
"Oh god oh my god!"

[second part of song plays while video clips show boy boarding bus to boot camp, getting head shaved, and going off to fight for the USA during the invasion of Iraq]

[song continues to play to the end while showing video clips of boy in war scenes and girl coping with loneliness and concern for his life]

---

That video was so emotionally raw and intense, and I was still a kid when I saw it. I somehow didn't know the video was about the invasion of Iraq after 9/11, or I forgot. I just totally lost myself in the story of the couple.

I felt deeply about the argument, confident that I knew and truly understood what he had done and why he'd done it, in a way that most people couldn't possibly understand.

Then as he got off the bus and the Sergent (or whatever) was yelling at him and the line of other guys, I started to get confused. When I saw the scene of all the guys getting their heads shaved one-by-one, it clicked in my head that what he'd done was sign up for the military to be shipped off to Iraq.

So what had I thought he'd done?

I had thought he'd submitted all the paperwork to have a sex change surgery and that she had found the confirmation letter indicating the scheduled date of surgery. And I had thought that "sex change surgery" meant having the genitals completely removed.

...yeah...

Can anyone relate? lol

-Emma- , 1 month ago

I read the title like the ad for OS1 in the movie Her:

Who are you? Where are you going?

You really need to see Her if you haven't yet. Like seriously.

Anyway, here's some stuff:

Gender identity

• Gender Spectrum:
  Feminine Trans Girl

Attraction to others

• Sexuality:
  Yes lol. Maybe bisexual? idk

• Romantic...ality?:
  idk...

Social traits

• Platonic affinity:
  I could use some girl friends irl, or just friends in general.

-Emma- , 1 month ago

• Social tolerance: it's... complicated? Irl I'm the type that starts out very reserved, but if I spend enough time with someone, something in my head clicks and then I never shut up when I'm with them.

Me too. I've also kinda gotten this way online a bit too. I share possibly too much about myself and my interests and probably get really annoying. But it takes me like a year of lurking before commenting or interacting at all. I wonder if there's a word to describe this...phenomenon/personality?

-Emma- , 1 month ago

Sometimes less is more. xD

I was gonna put more details there, but idk. I guess I felt weird detailing my sexuality (and sexual frustrations) on someone else's post when I had already expressed it in a meme. Not sure if you saw the meme though. I posted a censored version in the !transmemes and !traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns communities.

Hypothetically, if you had unlimited options with infinite success rates, what kind of friends would you add to your social circle first?

I really want to have girl and trans girl friends irl. I want to be around fem people that can maybe help me with girl stuff like fashion, and trans girl stuff like passing. So in the hypothetical, I'd probably want trans girl friends first.

Also, I don't really have a social circle anymore. I have floated from/to different friend groups over the years. But I was severely addicted to drugs for a while, and those friends weren't the best. I cut ties to two out of three of the last "friends" some time before the pandemic. The last friend was and is a good person, but we drifted apart.

Would definitely offer you my friendship application! If you feel like chatting, DM me and I'll send you my matrix details.

Application approved! lol
Since Mbin users can't currently DM Lemmy users, I sent you my matrix ID using my recently created lemmy.ca account.

-Emma- , 1 month ago

I had to contain my laughter so hard it hurt. The censorship just made it even better. Also definitely a mood I'm not unfamiliar with.

lol I'm glad you liked it 😁️ Part of the inspiration for it came from an uncensored reddit meme (the template was the two paths, each leading to either light side or dark side). The stuff on reddit can get wild. Or it could. I don't browse there anymore, since the events of last year.

And I actually did originally make the meme uncensored, but then I figured that it was... a bit much, at least to share publicly. I don't want people to feel that I'm pushing sexual stuff on them, and I don't want kids to come across it. So that's why I made the censored version.

The big issue is actually finding them when you're not ready to commit to something like going to local support groups.

At this point, I would actually attend such a group get-together, if there were any around here. I'm in a deep red state in the US, and the nearest blue city has a group that only meets online using facebook and zoom. Absolutely ridiculous, and a deal breaker for me. The nearest physical meetups are like 2 or 3 hours away. And I think they make everyone sign up through facebook. Like, I absolutely understand the need to vet new people for the safety of everyone, but facebook? Really? Super frustrating.

So sorry to hear about your social circle breaking down. Sounds like it is for the best though

Thanks. Yeah, it was definitely for the best to leave that life behind. I don't totally regret the addictions and experiences though. I mainly regret that I didn't move on sooner.

I'm tempted to go back to my local Unitarian Universalist church to see if my old friends still attend, but I kinda doubt they do. And I'm still super nervous about going out fully fem. I know that every single person at that church would accept me without question, but idk. I was gonna put a reason there but couldn't really think of anything other than "It'd be weird at first." which isn't a good reason. And now I'm rambling...

-Emma- , 1 month ago (edited 1 month ago)

For some of us yes, and for others no.

It's difficult for me to even imagine the complexities of such a world that lacks gender norms. Would there be fewer trans people? Possibly. But in such a world, there would still be trans people like me that feel a strong need for surgery.

Edit: Forgot to mention HRT, which many of us would still need.

-Emma- , 1 month ago

Oh wow, I thought you had made a typo in your other comments.

My friend would want me to say something like, "Do you and Their want to go out later?" when referring to her trans husband, I'm the asshole if I say, "Do you and Alex want to go out later?"

Yes, your friend is unreasonable.

Even if "Their" were replaced with they/she/he, I think the second option is still better. And if you didn't want to say the person's name, you could use "y'all" instead. I like saying "you guys", but some people don't like that phrase.

-Emma- , 1 month ago

Trans is considered an umbrella term that includes an array of different identities. So technically, yes, there are different types of trans people. However, when comparing trans people that seek medical transition to trans people that do not, it is important not to consider someone to be "more trans" or "actually trans" as that would diminish the identities of others. Put another way, gatekeeping is bad, and all trans identities are valid.

-Emma- , 1 month ago

I get the suspicion that some of the more spirited discussions so far came with a tinge of suspicion that I'm one of the bad folks looking to invade spaces and sow discord,

Yeah, we generally have to have our guard up, especially in these types of threads. I don't know if you're familiar with the "just asking questions" type of transphobe, but it is a very real problem for communities like this one. The topic or phrasing of a question can raise red-flags for sure.

But I believe that you're being sincere.

-Emma- , 1 month ago

My story? Which one? lol

Okay, I'm gonna try to keep this somewhat short. Before we begin, I'd like to note that I'm a 90's bitch. Okay, on to the story.

So when I was a little kid, maybe around 5, my grandparents were babysitting me at their house. My grandpa was on the couch watching TV, my grandma was doing something in the kitchen, and I was sitting at the table behind them having a snack. Whatever was on TV, I don't remember, but I do remember something.

There was some news segment that came on, and I think it must have been about a trans woman having had bottom surgery. My grandma was shocked and appalled, exclaiming stuff like "Now why would anyone do that?! Chop his penis off like that?!" And my grandpa was also appalled, and I think he loudly mumbled some transphobic stuff in disgust. Well, I sat there at the table behind them thinking stuff like "Wow. I completely understand wanting that. But I guess that's not okay, so I won't say anything."

The End. lol. I have to stop there or it'll get dark.

So yeah, bottom surgery has been on my mind for quite a while. I've got more stories, but I think this is good for now.

-Emma- , 1 month ago (edited 1 month ago)

Hey Ada, Mbin doesn't seem to support sending messages to Lemmy users yet, so I made an account on lemmy.ca to send you a message:

May I please have a registration token for Blahaj.zone matrix account?

❤️

(I made the account on old.lemmy.ca because it uses mlmym and doesn't require javascript - I'm weird, I know...)

Edit: Thanks! I've joined successfully. 🥳

(Also, I've been informed that Blahaj also supports mlmym: https://mlmym.lemmy.blahaj.zone)

-Emma- , 1 month ago

Does your emphasis of the word "male" imply that you are uncertain and still questioning? Just curious.

-Emma- , 1 month ago (edited 1 month ago)

An egg is a trans person in denial.

There's a meme community called egg_irl (!egg_irl)

(I hope I'm linking it correctly)

-Emma- , 1 month ago

Happy to help 😊️