fesshole Bot

fesshole Bot , 1 day ago to Random stuff

FROM ADMIN: Oooh 4k, Fesshole on Mastodon is quietly our favourite version coz Threads is a pain in the arse coz we're not allowed to use the API yet, BlueSky is a bit tumbleweed and Mastodon, although the numbers are modest, is actually rather chatty. Do tell your friends to follow @fesshole here, we mean, share this ok? Get the word out. THANKS.

fesshole Bot , 4 days ago to Random stuff

I don't get many matches on Tinder so every now and again I pay for Tinder+ so I can change my location to get more matches. This doesn't always work, so I change it to include the same sex and reap the hundreds of likes from that. Turns out I'd clean up if I was gay.

fesshole Bot , 6 days ago to Random stuff

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

fesshole Bot , 6 days ago to Random stuff

I leave the teabag in whilst I drink it.

fesshole Bot , 6 days ago to Random stuff

My wife has become best friends with a single woman so hot she has 150k followers on Instagram even though she's a "normie". I think it will either be the best or worst thing to happen to our marriage, with no inbetween.

fesshole Bot , 8 days ago to Random stuff

I'm a Church of England Minister, lost the faith years ago, now I just try and give people decent life advice during my sermons

fesshole Bot , 9 days ago to Random stuff

I produce media content for a Civil Service department. The working culture is awful so, to boost my own morale, I mix Infant Annihilator songs at near-silent decibel levels into any policy announcement videos I make.

fesshole Bot , 13 days ago to Random stuff

Since turning 31 I've started writing poetry in complete secret. It's a nice hobby but I'm terrified of showing anyone. As if a mate of mine showed me poetry they'd written I'd remove them from my life straightaway.

fesshole Bot , 14 days ago to Random stuff

Adopted a "failed" police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

fesshole Bot , 15 days ago to Random stuff

I teach French at a university. I only started to learn how to speak French as a teen because I wanted to understand what my favourite porn actress was saying. One thing led to another, and now here I am. Follow your passion, kids.

fesshole Bot , 16 days ago to Random stuff

I used to be a bisexual, rather portly fellow. I realised I couldn't continue to be both these things when a hookup said "Time for tubby bi guy!" in the Teletubbies voice, right before sliding into me. So I lost weight, because I really like cock.

fesshole Bot , 22 days ago to Random stuff

Part of my job as office manager is to keep supplies stocked up. People in this office drink a ridiculous amount of coffee which takes a chunk out the budget as Nescafé is now about £6 a jar. Recently switched it with £1.25 coffee from Aldi and nobody's noticed the difference.

fesshole Bot , 22 days ago to Random stuff

After I lost my Mum I struggled emotionally for a long time. My manager at work noticed, and told me that I needed to do something to 'get over it'. I was outraged, so I lied and told her I was going to counselling and took every other Tuesday afternoon off for 8 months.

fesshole Bot , 24 days ago to Random stuff

I've forgotten my best mates name. We met on Halloween so I saved his number as Ronald McDonald. None of his social media has his name in it. Too late to ask.

fesshole Bot , 27 days ago to Random stuff

More of a general fess - people with innie belly buttons generally don't wash their belly buttons, which means they are HONKING. Don't believe me? Put your finger in yours, wiggle it, then take a sniff.

fesshole Bot , 27 days ago to Random stuff

Office worker by day, failed commedian by night. I've made up about 6 stories and sent them to Fesshole just to try and get some laughs and likes. None were published. Even my made up life is too boring apparently.

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to Random stuff

My husband wears a hat I hate. So I took it to a different city and threw it in the bin.

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to Random stuff

My boyfriends been cheating, so I joined a dating site found it on there and been catfishing him. He's due to meet the other me in a bar in 10 mins blissfully unaware I'm there with a suitcase of his clothes whilst my dad's changing our locks.

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to Random stuff

Builders' van badly cut me up then one builder physically assaulted me when I was out cycling. Two years later the company was dissolved and the owner declared bankrupt following a flood of damning online reviews and other misfortunes. Coincidence? I couldn't possibly comment.

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to Random stuff

If I see a phonebox, I call it to see if it still works. If it does, I write down the number of it and when I get home I call it and see if anyone picks up. Doesn't matter if no-one does pick up it still brings me joy.

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to Random stuff

I'm an artist and animator and I've lost way too much work to AI. The only thing I can rely on is the Furries. They shun and excommunicate anyone using it. Those lovely loyal little perverts are keeping a roof over my head.

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to Random stuff

I'm a 50 year old solicitor, school governor, respectable member of society. My local Facebook group is currently up in arms about a spate of cars getting keyed. All the cars are parked partially or wholly on the pavement. Local "youths" are blamed. It's me.

fesshole Bot , 1 month ago to Random stuff

Recently been in hospital for heart problems. Want to have a relaxing wank at home but terrified I'll have a heart attack halfway through and then my family will find me dead with member in hand.

fesshole Bot , 2 months ago to Random stuff

Husband loves dry roasted peanuts and reads about different types and different roasting processes. I can't stand it, it's so beige. I went to my friend's house and had a threesome with her and her husband just to feel normal.

fesshole Bot , 2 months ago to Random stuff

When I'm waiting for the dinner, I often have a swig of whatever condiment I can find in the fridge or cupboard. On a major soy sauce obsession at the moment. Salty and delicious.

fesshole Bot , 2 months ago to Random stuff

I thought I had found "the one". It was going so well until we went to a restaurant where he ordered "very well-done steak", then sent it back to the kitchen to cook even more because it wasn't cremated/ruined enough to his liking. I finished my meal and said goodbye forever.

fesshole Bot , 2 months ago to Random stuff

I will find any excuse to complain to ofgem knowing that each complaint I escalate, charges my energy supplier £500 as an admin fee for an ofgem intervention. You can complain about high prices if you're stuck for a complaint. Fuck you British Gas and your 900% profit increase.

fesshole Bot , 2 months ago to Random stuff

My first job as a teenager was in a library. I applied purely so that I could borrow CDs for free and rip them to my iPod. 15 years later I am a qualified librarian and still have most of the music I copied. Who says piracy doesn't pay

fesshole Bot , 2 months ago to Random stuff

Parents think I work for a finance company earning loads of money, what they don't know is, I actually earn loads of money stripping. Not sure how I am ever going to tell them.

fesshole Bot , 2 months ago to Random stuff

Rob Hubbard's Commodore 64 games music was so good I used to have a compilation tape of it in the 80s and tell people I was listening to Now That's What I Call Music.

fesshole Bot , 2 months ago to Random stuff

I've just been asked if I'm OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

fesshole Bot , 2 months ago to Random stuff

Fesshole is looking for YOUR confession. Fess now using this form: https://bit.ly/add_confession

fesshole Bot , 2 months ago to Random stuff

Interviewer for a tech company. To weed out 'tech bros' we always put a male and female engineer in the interview session together. If when the female engineer asks the candidate a question he directs his answer to the male engineer, then he doesn't get the job.

fesshole Bot , 2 months ago to Random stuff

Everyone thinks that my husband and I rescued our cat. But we just wanted another one and knew people would judge us so we created an elaborate story of rescuing him.

fesshole Bot , 3 months ago to Random stuff

For the best part of a year I've been using women's scented shower gel/body wash. As a grown man, I can safely say this is the best decision I have ever made. Much prefer my arsehole to smell of eucalyptus or camomile than abstract concepts like "jungle" and "sport".

fesshole Bot , 3 months ago to Random stuff

Was a developer for a game franchise in the Nintendo 64 era. Was in a relationship with another dev at the same company. I hid a marriage proposal in one game, which she still has not found. I hope she never does find it. We broke up after she went insane & tried to stab me

fesshole Bot , 3 months ago to Random stuff

I spend a large portion of my disposable income on PC components am known for always having the latest stuff. Truth is that I enjoy building computers more than actually using them and most play games on my phone

fesshole Bot , 3 months ago to Random stuff

I eat cereal by spooning it into my mouth dry then sipping oat milk from a glass. It's the best way to eat, trust me. You'll never have another soggy cornflake in your life.

fesshole Bot , 3 months ago to Random stuff

Pleased to see @fesshole reach 1k on Mastodon - it's tricky for us to build up followers here as we don't know anyone. If you can help by spreading us around that would be fab - and you'll enjoy it more too as Fesshole is best when replies are lively. Also follow @anon_opin for rotten opinions that are occasionally ok.

fesshole Bot , 4 months ago to Random stuff

Do come to @fesshole Live coz it's more interesting to do stuff than it is to sit around at home. That's the hard sell. https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole