As a late-realised autistic, one of the things that I have to keep dealing with is imposter syndrome. It dogs my footsteps constantly, waiting always to leap out and trip me up. In this, I doubt that I am the only one. But, in some unique ways, those of us late to the party may be particularly prone to it.
I can only go from my own case, but I think that it comes from a combination of things.
Firstly, I have not been officially diagnosed. The element of doubt that this can bring is, of course, why many of us go on to seek a diagnosis. But, it also means that I never was. I wasn't "spotted" as a child. In fact, I have never even had anyone suggest it to me as a possibility. I had to find this out on my own, through my own research and determination. So, of course, there is always the option that I could be wrong and in large part, because I was missed. Of course, I had left university before the concept of "high-functioning" or "Asperger's" had really become known, or something even to be aware of; especially here in the UK. But, that doesn't mean that autism wasn't being diagnosed, or recognised by professionals. So the fact that I had slid by unnoticed carries with it the option that it was because there was never anything there to spot in the first place.
There is also the very life that I have managed to live because of that. This may seem like a strange thing to say. But, the fact is that I have worked, lived alone, done many things and experienced much that could only be considered normal and which I might not have if I had known I was autistic. It's easy to look at that and second guess myself. Even if that means forgetting, or minimalising, all the effort I had to put in to achieving it. All the ways I learnt to cope and get around my difficulties. Even how much of my life and choices were carefully shaped to totally avoid the things I couldn't do, or which would shatter me completely if I tried. But perhaps only because of my failings, that my inability to cope fully was only ever because of my flaws and never anything else.
That this was always what I was masking from myself. That it is the reason why I find it so difficult to separate the mask from myself now. Because I don't want to see the flaw, rather than reveal the autism. The autism that seems so much less than others. It's easy to see the aspects of being autistic that I don't relate to and understand that it is the nature of the spectrum. But, it's harder to see the aspects that I do, but never as badly as others seem to. That even the things that seem so much worse for me now, may only be that way because I'm expecting them to be.
In fact, it is always in reading the words and seeing the lives that others have had and are having, that the imposter syndrome bites the hardest. Compared to so many, I have had a life of ease and privilege. I have had it so easy that of course I have to doubt. Who am I to compare myself to them? Who am I to even begin to say that we are similar? In fact, I see so much room for doubt. There is a whole life to look back on. A whole history that in so many ways seems so much at odds. Especially considering that it is a history, as much as anything, of having deceived and hidden truth from myself.
So, will I ever be free of imposter syndrome? No, I sincerely doubt it. Even if I were to feel the mad desire to get an official diagnosis and could overlook my distrust of doctors and the systematic faults with it. Even if I could crush all my niggling fears and concerns and come to believe in myself with every atom of my body and aspect of my soul. Because, beyond anything else, doubt is logical. To the rational mind, not having a reasonable doubt, even about the most certain of things, is itself fundamentally irrational.
So, I can't help thinking that I'm kind of stuck with it. But, the real question is, whether I allow that to come to dominate me. What I really know now and see so very clearly.
Opinions on this YouTuber? I'm hearing a lot from him that feels very relevant to my recent #SelfDX as an #ActuallyAutistic person. This video is ringing bells for me too. There are things that I've always done, that are apparently #stimming ?
The Importance of Stimming for LATE Diagnosed Autistic People
I've known I'm #autistic for a number of years now, #Selfdx, but this info has helped me significantly. However, just KNOWING you're autistic doesn't mean you can automatically "hack" your autism, & definitely not ignore it.
I require carefully curated routines to accomplish basic things. Hygiene, food intake, going to sleep at a reasonable hour, don't come naturally. I rely on numerous cues, which require work to maintain.
@alice@actuallyautistic Thank you so much for this. I've just taken three of the tests and been surprised at how clearly the results show me to have autistic traits. I need this kind of thing to give me the confidence to mention autism/autistic traits as I am #SelfDx
And well, there's like a very persistent pattern in all these self assessment test results 😅
Not as high as yours, but still in the "yes, lol" side of things