Ok so what are some signals and reasons for signals that’s your partner wants you to do something?
Perhaps it’s the way they hold their coffee or change thier tone or give you looks to let them know what you want or what they are trying to signal to your brain to essentials observe and understand what’s going to happen next
It can be anything I’m curious if any couples made any cognitive life hacks 😵💫😒
I nearly didn’t listen to this episode, because I’ve never had an eating disorder, but it’s almost more about identity & addiction & autonomy than eating disorders, and is fascinating as a result. @actuallyautistic#actuallyautistic
I've just finished watching the first series of "A kind of spark" on BBC iPlayer. Although, this is not about this excellent show. Rather, it's about the struggle I had with watching it and why it took me two attempts to get through it.
The fact is, that found it quite triggering. Now I know it's about, and probably made for, teenagers and the struggles they go through at school and especially being autistic and at school. And even though school was a very long time ago for me and in another age of man. I still couldn't help comparing it to my own experiences and not just in school, but throughout my life, and how much similarity I could see. Not, in the details, obviously, but in the way I would constantly run afoul of people, or somehow be on their wrong side of someone, even before we'd properly met. The sheer pettiness of some of it and the hurt it so often caused me, as much by my not understanding it, as by the unfairness of it. Of how many toes I'd stood on, without meaning to, or even knowing I'd done it and how much of my life I'd actually spent bewildered and upset by the situations I would find myself in and the actions I couldn't understand of the people around me.
Of course, no-one, least of all myself, knew that I was autistic back then, because that would probably have made it much worse. But knowing I am autistic now, at least gives me an understanding of why some people might have reacted this way. How, in some ways, at least, I've never really behaved in the ways that others might find appropriate, to their position, or status, or sense of worth. How socially blundering my way through life, of necessity, includes many toes I could step on and people who could be offended.
But, of course, understanding this now, doesn't really ease the memories. Neither of the pain I did cause, without meaning to, or the pain I received. It doesn't make the life I've had easier, only easier to understand.
And that, in a sense, is what this show made me have to face. That no matter how privileged my life has been. How much easier I've had it, compared to so, so, many others. It's never been easy. There have only been moments, brief and sometimes, admittedly, not so brief periods where my life seemed to make sense and I felt, if not entirely in control, at least in somewhat of a comfort zone. That I was OK and that I could just get on with doing things my way and just being myself. Not without cost, of course, normally in hard, unremitting, work and effort. In often struggling with feelings of guilt and shame about how selfish I was having to be. Because, that was what carving out my own world felt like. Not necessary, or even justified, but selfish and almost petty of me.
And then, of course, there would always be something that would intrude from the outside world. As often, as not, something petty and officious that would dump me back into the turmoil and uncertainty. Because, you can never really isolate yourself from the world, as much as some of us would love to. And so much of this world really isn't made for us. It will always be hard and there will always be those who delight in making it harder. Those who are truly petty and selfish, in the ways that we aren't, and others who will try to use that hate to benefit themselves. It's why carving out our safe spaces will always be difficult, but also, so very necessary.
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 198 , Tuesday 14/05/2024
Up just before 6am for some reason that will have scientists puzzled long after the Unified Field Theory is discovered!
Breakfast is done & coffee is drunk.
I sit looking at my TL & feeling a strange reluctance to engage. It’s not that anyone has upset me or that I’m particularly triggered by a toot . I just shy away from interaction with the rest of the Fediverse.
Some of it is that I feel overwhelmed by the number of folk I have to respond to - I have to respond to everyone who mentions me or who greets the world at large, it’s an unconscious imperative for me.
Most days I love this level of interaction, it energises me & elevates my spirits, but not today.
I will engage with folk, because I feel that I will failed them & myself if I don’t.
Maybe a shower first though, prevaricating ….
Ok so the day got better & SM was engaged with !
Hit Fo4 this afternoon then the usual evening activities.
Final Thoughts.
Ok struggling at the moment , thank Nuggan it’s warm & mostly sunny otherwise it might be quiet grim!
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Only very lately, I've started to understand how loud sounds affect me. It's a strange combination of self-controlled loud music (yes, please) and uncontrollable, sometimes sudden, loud sounds making me very tense. I mentioned a loud stop signal in a bus yesterday.
The tensest I get is when our dog, who just turned one, starts to whine at the end of a car ride. We try to teach her that she needs to be quiet in order to get out. When she's agitated it might take a while. It's loud and I feel empathetic and get very tense. I can feel it everywhere in my body. Another example is when she repeatedly barks in a small space, such as our sauna cabin by the summer cottage. It might reverbarate in the structures, and my head.
Another type of sound that gets to me is the sound of brushing. It's physically uncomfortable, has always been. The worst is when a tractor is brushing gravel off the road after the winter. Almost makes me shudder to think about it. Always wondered why it's so uncomfortable. Now with self-diagnosed autism I get it.
it's late, i'm tired, but i'm still in need: haven't been able to do my eye exam or replace my broken glasses. Keep me in your thoughts, throw me a dollar(literally singular) if you can via paypal and read my full needs on gfm
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 198 , Monday 13/05/2024
Up early for some reason beyond this simple squirrels reasoning.
Tidied up after herself, did my chores & went for a walk in the warm early summer sunshine !
I cannot seem to find the impetus to get stuff done, I work best to a deadline & the only person pushing me at the moment is me, which would be fine but I have minimal motivation levels at the moment.
I’m wondering from day to day like a leaf blowing in the breeze, no direction, no purpose.
At least the days are warm now & a lot sunnier, saving energy is easier , my lone mission to drag our energy bills down is less onerous in the summer.
Final Thoughts.
I suspect that I am going through a depressive episode, I hope I come through to the other side soon.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
I know people with estrogen have said their ADHD gets worse during perimenopause/menopause, but I'm wondering if people with testosterone 50+ also notice their Autism/ADHD symptoms getting worse. Especially more "inattentive"/stuck in their thoughts.
I feel like we really need more research on all of this.
Sitting in the bus after a day at work. Feeling tired. The meeting that ended the day dragged on and I stopped even trying to follow the discussion. I haven't listened to music in a bus in ages but now I find myself thinking that maybe I should buy a set of noise-canceling headphones.
The bus is hissing loudly, there are conversations that I can't hear which somehow makes them even more annoying. On top of all I'm sitting under a loudspeaker that plays the stop signal in a very loud tone. Shit, it rang again and startled me. Why does it have to be that loud?
Suddenly running out of food, especially when it’s food that serves many purposes: safe food, same food, and supports health amidst chronic illness… is probably the worst thing. Immediate meltdown.
Especially when you find out right before a meal time. And that’s right when the consequences of insomnia, nightmares, anxiety and PEM have been kicking in.
Loved one helped, but I hate that I was utterly dependent on them. I was ready to go without eating and spiral into despair. I’ve had to do that many times before, especially when ME/CFS was much worse and there was no respite between flare-ups. I didn’t have a loved one around who could help back then. It’s certainly not always a guarantee that I’ll have support even now if loved one is around (they get busy, they have their own life, they can simply say no, not be in the mood…).
Second meltdown in a few days. I really need to get a handle on this somehow.
One of the things driving some of this stress is I can’t “see” the end of chunks of work. I might know what to do, but I have no idea how long it’ll take and don’t have a sense of how far things are progressing until I am right at the end of it. I’ve just switched to exam revision and you bet I cannot see the end of it right now, despite technically knowing what to revise and having a rough revision plan. Some topics I know well, others are massive topics that need time. I can’t see all that in advance. I tried to plan all that for exam revision once but just ended up losing entire days to the planning process. I don’t have that much time. I will be using study skills like prioritising but until I’m at the end of my exam, I won’t know if I’ve achieved much at all.
When you can’t “see” the end of a project, it’s metaphorically like all you can see is a huge mountain as a whole before you start to climb it… with about as much detail as this little mountain emoji: 🏔️. Then the minute you get closer to the mountain and expect to see the details and find a path to climb it, you are shrouded in dense, zero-visibility fog. Once in it, you have to keep moving forward and up and over, but you never know if you’ll get over the mountain or which day you’ll even complete it. You only find that out when you have a few meters left of descent on the other side.
I truly don’t know how I’d have managed this degree without knowing I’m autistic. I would still be beating myself (more) up in addition to the challenges because I would be believing that I’m choosing to make things harder for myself. I won’t stop looking for better strategies, but the self-blame and shame tactics don’t help one bit.
@melindrea The last sentence pretty much covers it. However one views it, Autism is Disabling, because 'to mask' is harmful to us, and not masking exposes us to unwarranted, harmful criticism and ridicule. Damned if we do, and damned if we don't. I also got told, by the parent of an #ActuallyAutistic teenager, that Autism was an excuse for being lazy and stubborn. His son is not living with a supportive parent😕 @theautisticcoach@actuallyautistic
Pff I got everything wrong tonight, mistaking Husband's enquiring/puzzled look for an annoyed one, and I got angry 😔.
It doesn't last, and he does not resent me once I explained but it sucks. #ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic
Morning fam! It's the final push to make it to wednesday, and it's been over a week since my gfm got any attention.Sharing is the best way to help me out 🙏🏾💞
@theautisticcoach@actuallyautistic When I hit my fill line for "peopling" I find I tend to start to feel agitated and it's hard to pay attention to anything. I often start to disassociate from my surroundings. If somebody is really persistent with trying to engage with me when I'm done with people I can also react pretty negatively, and meltdowns are more likely to be triggered.
Since it comes up with some frequency on autistic social media, I wanted to share my experience with noise cancelling headphones as an noise sensitive autistic person with auditory processing issues. As always, this is just my experience.
I tried writing it for a Mastodon post, but it got way to long... so I ended up dumping it on my blog instead.
If you have any questions etc. do feel free to share.