@CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

CynAq

@CynAq@neurodifferent.me

Jack of all trades, master of none, other than materials engineering. Managed to get a master's in that. I make documentaries too.
Cishet dude - he/they
#ADHD (probably #ActuallyAutistic)
#Humanist, not humanitarian
Proud #AntiFascist
#Videography : Semi-pro
I have a #documentary crew. I do #colorgrading, #postproduction
#Music : amateur
#WaterColors : noob

Header:None Avatar: marker drawn portrait of a giraffe with glasses

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Richard_Littler , to ActuallyAutistic group
@Richard_Littler@mastodon.social avatar

If you've ever wondered what it's like being autistic with ADHD, it's a bit like this for me. (I always assumed everybody thought like this).


@actuallyautistic

Them Talking (and what I hear): "Hello, Richard, I'd like you to make a note of the following very important things. Firstly, and probably the most crucial of all, is that you... (the rest of the text blurs out) MY ASD/ADHD BRAIN WHILE THEY'RE TALKING Ok, someone's talking to me now. Get ready because this is important. Here comes the first point... Point Blank. Point Break. Break Point. Point of view (point of you?) Pointillism: Developed by Seurat & Signac in 1886 and... Loud piercing door slam! Purple-blue flash! Where's my wallet? Focus! Ok, secondly. Secondhand. First hand. Short hand. "Nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands". E E Cummings. "If the rain comes, they run and hide their heads, they might as well be dead." Deadheads. Grateful Dead. Woodstock. Snoopy. Charlie Brown's teacher speaking: "wah wah wa wah wa [is that my allergy kicking off] wah wa." Ugh! The sound of that child shrieking outside is torturous! I just recalled my old sofa. "Erm. Yes. Absolutely."
ALT
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    • CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @Richard_Littler @actuallyautistic mine would work like this except that I guess I developed a coping strategy against it.

    If someone is telling me something important, I start taking notes wether they tell me to or not, and then aggressively stop them and make them repeat themselves on each point until I make sure I have everything written down.

    I’m a very fast listener but I write very slowly and can’t listen and write at the same time. Got so much grief over that during my school years. Everyone including myself assumed I just didn’t like writing and that’s why I never had proper notes to study from but it was good old monotropism rendering me unable to multitask. The joys of being unidentified

    Ilovechai , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @Ilovechai@sciences.social avatar

    I don't have the spoons to explain why I feel my neurodivergence is making this worse, but I need feedback or insight from other ND people on a unique experience. This will be a long thread (added in replies) but I'm hopeful there will be a few kind readers who either relate or have something supportive to share.
    Here goes:
    1/
    @actuallyautistic @actuallyaudhd


    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @Ilovechai @actuallyautistic @actuallyaudhd

    I can’t relate to losing a support system like that but I can relate to not having one despite wanting to… because I always wanted a supportive group of people to belong to but never found one. What happens is that I’m always there for anyone who needs me, and no one ever is for me, when I need something.

    I feel like a lot of neurotypical relationships (especially larger groups) have transactions which are either impossible or very taxing for us. In other words, we are never able to receive any support from these so called “support systems”, we just give.

    Personally, I’m trying to be at peace with the fact that I will never belong to a large, consistent group of people because while I have many things to add to such a group no matter what brand they gathered under, no group has what I need.

    CynAq , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @actuallyautistic

    Melt down or freeze up, that is the question.

    CynAq OP ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @pathfinder @actuallyautistic true, but it doesn’t have the mathematical elegance of the “melt down / freeze up” expression pair.

    CynAq OP ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @pathfinder @actuallyautistic found it!

    Melt down, freeze up, skedaddle sideways.

    mariyadelano , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @mariyadelano@hachyderm.io avatar

    Question for fellow @actuallyautistic and @actuallyadhd neurodivergent folks:

    How do you explain your ideas to neurotypicals?

    I constantly struggle because my brain has made connections that are not obvious to others, and when I try to guide them through my thinking I confuse them with details or by skipping explanations that seem obvious to me but completely surprising to anyone else.

    Frameworks, links, anything is appreciated!

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @mariyadelano @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd I always start with “this will be confusing at first but hang in there”. There’s a trick to saying it without sounding condescending. I don’t know what the trick is, I just get it right some of the time 😅.

    Anyway… That intro sort of prepares them to take in more info than they are used to. I think they perceive it as some kind of challenge to rise up to.

    theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

    We need to talk more about mental health in the community.

    What topics specifically should be addressed more openly?

    @actuallyautistic

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic the lack of mental health services in general.

    The healthcare industry can’t even handle neurotypical mental health properly, let alone autistic mental health. On average, active online autistic community members (non-healthcare-professionals) know more about autistic mental health than the average mental health practitioner.

    This should be addressed more openly, while keeping opportunists out, somehow.

    ashleyspencer , to adhd group
    @ashleyspencer@autistics.life avatar

    I had a Rockstar energy drink, coffee, and a small Red Bull can, and it made me so sleepy I passed out for 14 minutes and woke up feeling like I slept an hour.

    Energy drinks are supposed to make me functional, not take a nap after 240mg energy drink caffeine + whatever 4oz coffee is.

    Damn ADHD lol.

    Energy drinks do this to anyone else?


    @adhd

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @ashleyspencer @adhd

    It depends on other factors too, but yeah!

    Caffein, and other stimulants, make it easier for me to "not think" rather than the other way round, naturally helping me fall asleep :D

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @salakala @ashleyspencer @adhd

    In my personal experience, they help if the work is more repetition/formal box ticking than creative problem solving.

    Off meds, I'm creative to the point of distraction, on meds, I'm an instruction following machine but I can't imagine something out of the box for the life of me.

    CynAq , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @actuallyautistic

    I have issues with the "top-down ( purported to be most NTs)" and "bottom-up (purported to be most autistics)" thinking binary.

    I don't think these labels identify the differences as I believe this is an issue of motivation and value judgement.

    Let's take the common example of essay writing for school. The story goes "when they asked us to write an outline, the NT students got right on it while the ND kids were bewildered because how could they write a bullet point version of an essay that didn't exist yet."

    This makes intuitive sense to everyone who experienced the frustration of being asked to write that outline so we connect over this and give this as an example of our "thinking style" difference from the NT population.

    If we actually think about this a little, though, the example, while a common experience, doesn't actually demonstrate how our thinking differs.

    First, NTs and NDs both need to acknowledge the concept of an essay. If we then say "the NTs get right on writing the outline when asked to do so, which means their brain started from the concept of an essay, then automagically filled it out with a list of section titles, then guided their person through the acts necessary to fill out those sections," does this sufficiently explain what is happening? After all, the ND people can write research essays, and without coming up with an outline first too!

    I think there's something deeper going on here. I think, the main difference is priorities, not the method of thinking.

    In my opinion, when asked to write an essay, most NT people respond by asking "why" or even "what's in it for me" first, and since the school structure pre-answers that question for them, move onto "how," which is also formalized for their convenience: "start by thinking of possible questions and reword them as titles, put them in a list. This way, you won't have to experience the inconvenience of being curious for once." The entire process is optimized for form over substance.

    In the same situation, putting the curiosity first, most ND people respond by "<insert every question possible>", and concluding "I'm going to start looking into it." No instruction necessary because the ND brain here optimized the question asking part of the endeavor. The information will be gathered and new questions will form and then more information will be gathered until there's too much of it and..." Yeah... "why are we doing this again?" Notice the "how" isn't very important here, even though it's included in the "every question possible" because after all, what can be more natural than making observations and learning other people's observations and then putting them into a report of facts? Substance rules, and form will emerge as a necessity.

    So, I like thinking about "substantial (substance first)" and "formal (form first)" modes of thinking rather than "bottom-up" vs "top-down".

    If you're still reading, thanks!

    I'm curious as to what everyone else thinks about this issue :)

    CynAq OP ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @onezero @actuallyautistic

    I know, I'm a published researcher.

    I'm writing AGANINST the dichotomy of "top down/ bottom up" thinking, not in favor of it.

    However, even in a PhD setting, the required path puts too much emphasis on the "form first" method of doing it, evident in the way we strive to formalize everything into predetermined structures.

    The fact that there are shared difficulties among ADHD and Autistic researchers which do NOT affect their NT counterparts the same way is undeniable.

    In other words, writing good research papers are difficult for everyone, but not in the same ways. The differences between how most NT people and most ND people experience these difficulties are demonstrable.

    The plural of thesis is theses btw, just fyi.

    CynAq OP ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @onezero @actuallyautistic

    I know, I'm a published researcher.

    I'm writing AGAINST the dichotomy of "top down/ bottom up" thinking, not in favor of it.

    However, even in a PhD setting, the required path puts too much emphasis on the "form first" method of doing it, evident in the way we strive to formalize everything into predetermined structures.

    The fact that there are shared difficulties among ADHD and Autistic researchers which do NOT affect their NT counterparts the same way is undeniable.

    In other words, writing good research papers are difficult for everyone, but not in the same ways. The differences between how most NT people and most ND people experience these difficulties are demonstrable.

    The plural of thesis is theses btw, just fyi.

    CynAq OP ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @onezero @actuallyautistic

    In every PhD program I'm familiar with, candidates are required to submit study plans and summaries BEFORE they actually do the preliminary research needed.

    The complexity of the situation doesn't allow for this to happen, naturally, resulting in the inevitable flexing of the written rules of conduct.

    This "say one thing and do another" is a very real source of stress for most ND candidates I know, including myself, before I dropped out of my PhD program due to burnout.

    CynAq OP ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @onezero @actuallyautistic

    I didn't say "this is much more difficult for ND people." I said, "the difficulties experienced by NT and ND people are different." Given that these people are subject to the same formal environment and the same rules, the level of difficulty and the potential accommodations they receive will also be different.

    Also, there are tons of ND people who don't realize they are ND among grad students. I was one when I dropped out. I had absolutely no idea I had a literally different brain structure than that of the average person so, that also has to be taken into account.

    CynAq OP ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @onezero @actuallyautistic

    Of course! I'm glad you're asking these questions.

    The issue is, these fields are very new and the ND communities are slowly beginning to establish their language about these problems. We're at the very beginning of a period where, hopefully, we will find effective ways to convey the issues, do the research, and come to useful conclusions as to how they can be mitigated for everyone, NT and ND alike.

    Originally, I'm a material science researcher. While there are many anecdotal sources of information such as blog posts and this thread we're conversing in, formal studies done on these issues are sadly very NT oriented still. This 'form over substance' seem to be a major problem plaguing the research. The form you'll see is an emphasis on the observable behaviors of ND people without regard to their internal experience.

    I'll make a note and give you a follow though, so whenever I find something I think will be useful for you, I'll give you a heads-up.

    Troggie , to Random stuff
    @Troggie@mendeddrum.org avatar

    Do any other , especially also folks get that nagging worry when you didn’t communicate well enough to a Dr?

    After a Dr told me yesterday I didn’t fit criteria for something & I looked it up and thought actually I did, I commented to D I hadn’t even been asked one of the criteria.

    D said he did ask but it seems he phrased it in a way that made me assume he meant something specific that wasn’t happening.

    Hopefully it wasn’t important…

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @Troggie I’m always weary of people in positions of authority who steamroll you in information exchanges.

    If a doctor asks me questions and doesn’t give any information back as to what my answers might mean medically, I always think that they have a preconceived decision of what condition my health is in and are trying to get the correct paperwork done to support their decision. Doesn’t do anything for my confidence in them.

    I don’t want to go into NT vs Autistic in this regard because I talked to many neurotypical but skeptically minded people who can actually base their decisions on available data but many people just go by their gut feelings and try to fit the world to their ideas. We’re used to politicians and bureaucrats behaving that way but we don’t expect that from doctors. Many of them absolutely do that all the time.

    Sorry for the semi rant 😅


    @actuallyautistic

    pathfinder , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @pathfinder@beige.party avatar

    @actuallyautistic

    Autistic brains be stupid. Well, obviously not stupid, they just seem to work, or not work, in mysterious ways.

    The main one that has always got me, about mine, is that I have no memory for sound, absolutely none. I can't remember a song, or a sound. I can't remember what my parents sounded like and none of my memories carry, for want of a better word, a soundtrack. I can remember what I was thinking and what others were saying, but not hearing them say it, nor any other sound. I also don't dream in sound, at least as far as I know. All my dreams are silent.

    And yet, and it's a big yet. I have an excellent memory for voices and sounds. Like many autistics I have near perfect pitch, at least when I'm hearing others sing, or music playing. Just don't ask me to reproduce it, because I can't. If I meet someone I haven't met for a while, then I will almost certainly not recognise their face, or remember their name, but there is a very good chance that I will recognise them from their voice. I am also very good at detecting accents. Even the slightest hint of one in, say, an actor pretending to be an american, will get me searching Wikipedian to see if I am right about their actual nationality.

    So, if I can tell the sound of a Honda CBR engine two blocks away, or a voice, or an accent buried deep, I must have the memories to compare against. And yet... nope.

    So, as I said, autistic brains be stupid.


    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @pathfinder @actuallyautistic this is so interesting, having no reproduction of sound in your mind yet having excellent memory when you’re actually comparing what you’re hearing to what you’ve heard before.

    I can mentally reproduce sounds, but I don’t have perfect pitch. My relative pitch is pretty damn good tho, so if I have a reference in working memory, I can name notes relative to that reference, until a few seconds later. Then it’s gone until I take another reference “measurement”.

    I don’t have a particular talent in identifying accents but I can imitate the way people say words, even if I don’t know the language. It’s not like I can immediately imitate a whole sentence in a language I can’t speak hearing it off TV but, say, if a person is in front of me and repeats the word a few times, I’m pretty sure I can imitate it perfectly within a couple tries

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @pathfinder @actuallyautistic they must’ve thought you were takin’ a piss, if I’m getting my Britishism correct.

    My skill in imitating speech wasn’t something I discovered early on in my life. I learned English as a second language from age 10 forward and when I was late teens, I had some insecurities about my accent so I started paying more attention to how people were speaking. Then I learned by deliberate practice how to use my vocal tract and mouth in different ways. I also learned singing in that same period because that’s pretty much the same skill set essentially.

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @pathfinder @actuallyautistic I have a pet theory as to why British people in particular aren’t very proficient in learning other languages.

    This is a bit of a joke of course so, not to be taken seriously, but, I think British people already have too much to learn as every town essentially speaks a different language. The rest of the world don’t have this problem to the same degree so they can at least squeeze the simplified and abridged version of English in there next to their own.

    everyday_human , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @everyday_human@beige.party avatar

    Mental Health
    @actuallyautistic

    Reflective moment.
    POV
    Im going to try to explain something I never have said entirely.

    I am a self learner, autodidact.

    I try extremely hard not to assume things about people.

    Why they do the things they do?
    I personally know I’m not all that special.

    Unique maybe.

    I do have a desire for accuracy.

    My version of extreme sports is learning the basics of difficult sciences that explains how the world works.

    I’m not good at standard formulas.
    I Frankensteined my own that get me by to survive.
    Probabilistic math.

    I don’t have a love for proving people wrong.

    However I do enjoy getting constructive criticism that’s meaninful and helpful.

    I’m an observer and a listener at a whole different level.

    I don’t enjoy being right or about things.

    It’s actually painful!
    Why?

    Well because in most situations I drill into my head not to assume things not to infer things.

    So when I am right, it means I could have maybe helped someone when I didn’t but I wasn’t confident about my ability.

    It also maybe means I wasted precious moments of my life figuring something out only to doubt myself. Humility

    Alas I was born like this.

    I have a very vivid lucid memory. Apparently it’s immersive eidetic. Which is even more of a burden. Nearly completely lucid recall even if I don’t want it.

    I hear this often:

    “Wow I wish I could remember verbatim like you do”

    For me it’s like never being able to forget things, never to be free of pain, never be simply oblivious, sure I can act that way.

    Guess what my brain still remembers!!!😭

    I have had to struggle, to know the whys of everything, to every thought I’ve ever had. I’ve had alot of thoughts.

    I fight with myself, to find and break l my walls and keep my mind open , all my sensory, all my icks, all my ews I’ve had to learn how to deal with them

    I’ve conditioned myself over a lifetime
    .
    How to accept it and normalize it.

    Laughing can be a coping mechanism I think in most humans.

    Pretty sad when you have to learn microbiology to learn how we are basically mostly living in clean dirt and dirty dirt.

    Life within life.

    Symbiosis.

    Every fear I’ve had to face alone, like we all do, all fears in mind

    I can sit it a cemetery on Halloween and have no fear of ghosts or demons, I can fall 😴
    I have my own ghosts that are far scarier. 👻
    My memories of my own life.

    The longer I live the longer I battle it doesn’t get any easier for me. Although
    I am still Alive! 🫣

    I’ve delved(not A bot or written by ai) into every facet of science to learn how to normalize everything.

    I did this even before I realized I was autistic, I knew I was different.

    Quite honestly for awhile my imposter syndrome I semi I questioned my own sanity. Was I delusional?

    I guess in some ways that protected me as well.

    It causes me to triple rethink every thought I think.

    I stayed grounded. Conserve energy know when to use it. Timing
    Action or lack of action will change the outcome.

    Oh and that memory that everyone wants that recall, makes you feel like you’re crazy btw.

    When everyone else remembers through thier world view.

    I remember through every lens I can see it at the time and every lens I acquire as I expand my world view constantly adding to my updated schema.

    Often time people use me as translator to what people mean.
    More then once I’ve been asked to read people for people.

    I don’t like it.

    I reply I’m confident with x amount of accuracy but I could be wrong.

    Do most people think in Confidence Intervals?

    I am likely biased. I know
    I tell people this even though i can pretty accurate about other people in my life I see.
    I remain situationally aware.

    I’m choose mostly to say silent and mind my own business.

    I’ve grown to know myself fairly well, a work in progress I guess.

    I dislike being me.

    I do love life though with every ounce of my being despite the pain.

    I try with what time I have left to advocate for education and acceptance of those who are marginalized and suffer because of ignorance and stigma.

    I wish I could wish away my ability, I dislike the highly functional part. I dislike being viewed as better off when I’m truly not. I feel fucking cursed.

    The stress and pressure and anxiety is killing me.

    When people fight, grow learn and change you notice. You wonder why they didn’t get the version update.

    “I didn’t change they will say”.

    Debating whether they did or not is usually not worth the effort.

    That isn’t the only curse, this savantish type of ability makes me feel alone in a world of billions of people.
    I know I am not.
    You can talk and explain until your dead yet others may fully get you.

    I thought when I was younger. I wonder if I could train my brain like a computer!

    I would challenge myself on accuracy of rough off the cuff calculations.

    I thought if I remained situationally adaptive and objective and humble and just learned a little more, listened a little more, worked a lot more I could actually manage my own mind.
    That was wishful magical thinking 🤔

    Turns out I think I did become more accurate.

    Again this is impossible right?

    To what scale exactly?
    I don’t know
    To have a basic mechanistic understanding of everything I learn and how it maybe connected to every other cog through different frames.

    A liquid pretending to be a solid

    Then there’s the devils advocate.

    There’s people who have it worse. Some people don’t have these gifts yet have the same deficits or worse than me.

    Unless you live in my head you don’t know how much I suffer 😭Do you?
    I know that as well and that is even more painful as I know many have it worse.

    Does it make my pain less?

    No, it doesn’t bring me comfort or feel better, for they seems is too many.

    It brings to me compassion and humility.

    I swear some people find people find comfort in knowing some have it worse.

    News is classed as entertainment blown out of context for engagement.

    Social media polarization? Engagement.

    Did you get the update we became the product for AI training?
    We are the product in a capitalistic merit based economy.
    Did you get that update?

    Framing is important. Don’t understand change your lens.

    How does it make you feel better that there are people out there starving or being violent or mean to one another?

    Does it distract you from your own life?
    Not me, it compounds mine, ediditic memory.

    Everytime I hear someone say , eww this isn’t good enough or too this or too that, it saddens me. I picture people dying of starvation.

    Water is yucky?
    I have images in my video memory of people in countries not so lucky without clean water and getting diseases and lead or shit in their drinks.

    Do you still want my memory or awareness. I’m biased and flawed.
    It’s far from perfect, I am human like everyone else. I don’t know much. With every fiber of my being I try to remain objective.

    I realize autism adhd ptsd rsd pda hits everyone differently.

    I know we have all our preferences and routines and they bring us comfort.

    Nature= You and me.
    a part of everything even if minuscule.

    I see you out in the wild, not intentionally. I swear most of the time I don’t want to know but my brain seems to save it. Unless it’s occupied with something.

    However I try to enjoy the simple things like acorns birds,cats,plants, clouds, stars art, and most importantly MUSIC.

    I’ve never felt more connected to everything yet so alone. It’s so incredibly lonely.

    I just want anyone to know who read this. I am not what I appear. I’m just like you.

    Perhaps it will bring some soul comfort and understanding.

    It’s pretty much my only hope in writing this.
    Perhaps it makes it more real for me.

    The funny part is I can’t force myself to memorize.

    Even with this recall, I cannot seem to remember my own shit, I guess my mind is trained on the world most of the time while also trying to be present in the moment.

    I will admit a knat has more of l attention span than me.

    I have far too many faults to judge others.
    I’ve made far far far too many mistakes.
    When I was younger I thought I was invincible and had shit figured out.
    I understood survival, people were a mystery.

    I’m a childhood trauma survivor

    I am sorry if I seemed a like an asshole.

    I didn’t healthily express my displeasure at times when I was overwhelmed.

    I didn’t know how and I didn’t know if anyone actually could understand. I still don’t.
    •

    I’m sorry for seeming like I don’t care about your problems. I do!

    I’m sorry.
    I truly am.

    As bad as my luck may seem to me. For some reason I’m alive at the moment.
    I also have tachycardia most likely from hypervigelence and my anxiety which is tough.

    I don’t know how to solve all my own problems. I try always

    helps. Medicine helps. Less stress is the best.

    ,self care.
    Community.

    I’m not being critical, judgemental of anyone else I’m genuinely asking, is this easy/difficult to read?

    I’m explaining how my mind works.

    Often people use me to remember accurately and fight their battles for them.
    Why?
    I can see through most masks.
    I can see something even if I don’t know what it is then my mind uses some inference to give me possibilities.
    Too many far too many!
    Sort function sure.

    Then with all this, can I even be truly loved if I can never be understood?

    In the right frame.

    I could be wrong. There’s too much to know. That I know for sure.
    Are other people like me?

    Do they not understand how it affects them?

    Do they feel like they didn’t have a voice which diminished their emotional capacity or was a voice for others? Or is it Alexithima? Likely

    I spent a lifetime trying to interpret human behavior. My own included.

    Most of my life I was so confused litterally. I somehow emerged from the other end of the tunnel since childhood wondering why

    I was audhd dx 2022.

    Mostly I found out why.

    Perhaps they can’t remember. . They are battling for thier life the best they can.😔 I wrote this to maybe see if anyone else knows what this is like.Maybe someone else will find this helpful. You aren’t alone!
    ♾️🧬❤️

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @pathfinder @Zumbador @actuallyautistic I think I recognize people by their “vibe” as much as by their appearance, face and otherwise.

    It depends on how familiar I am with the person but I think I can recall details other than the face a bit better. I don’t have a problem with recognizing faces if I see them but when it comes to recalling they detail, I find it easier to recall hands or the general body shape a lot easier than the face.

    It’s interesting to think about.

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @pathfinder @Zumbador @actuallyautistic I really don’t know.

    One thing I know is that I’m much better at recalling sound than I am recalling vision, when it comes to people. I can very vividly recall someone’s voice, even the sound of their breathing. Even the way people move sounds different from person to person and I can recall that in great detail.

    I have very vivid visual imagination but recalling actual detail in a real memory is difficult unless I keep focusing on individual details. With faces, I can recall someone’s eyes, nose, their skin blemishes separately but when I try to put those together in an entire face, it all becomes blurry and vague.

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @pathfinder @Zumbador @actuallyautistic now that you said it, I think I remember faces in photographs easier than “real faces” whatever that means. It’s fascinating!

    LehtoriTuomo , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @LehtoriTuomo@mementomori.social avatar

    I've been trying to understand what it means that an autistic brain is bombarded with so much information. We spent some time at our summer cottage and I think I got some insight in this.

    Instead of seeing the lake in front of my eyes, everywhere I looked I saw a detail. Its size would vary but it would still be a detail. A swan there, its partner there, no leaves on that tree yet, what a cool pattern on the small waves, what does it look like when I move my eyes this way, or that way, a car on the opposite shore, the shadow of the tree, I wonder what seagulls those are etc. A new detail with every single glance.

    At the same time my attention tried to keep track of the dog and listened to birds singing and bumblebees flying around.

    Now I wonder what it feels like just to see the lake.

    @actuallyautistic

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @roknrol @melindrea @LehtoriTuomo @actuallyautistic I just looked at the picture and… there’s a main figure? What main figure, the big rectangle or the hourglass or the circle that’s a bowling ball or a head depending on your mood?

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @roknrol @alexisbushnell @Zumbador @melindrea @LehtoriTuomo @actuallyautistic I was the same in school days, I wrote the essay and then did the outline because I was forced to.

    Nowadays, I would start with an outline if I was asked to write an essay, but that’s because I have enough reading, writing and life experience that I would have a guess at what that essay would look like.

    I just imagined sitting down to write a novel (which I’m actually trying to do right now) and that totally wouldn’t work with an outline. I only have a vague idea what the main themes are but I don’t know the story until I explore it with my characters.

    olena , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @olena@mementomori.social avatar

    What some people don’t seem to be able to understand is that for the ones with executive disfunction number of steps matters a lot.

    I just put away all my dried laundry aside of duvet cover.

    Why? Because for all the other things it’s easy one-step task: grab all the knickers and shove them into the drawer, get the home clothes and put it into home clothes cube box(that cubed Ikea shelf is such a helper for people like me, I just have a cube for every thing).

    But the linen shelf is at the top of the bathroom closet, and it’s almost full. So I need a stepladder to be able to put the duvet cover there(I can try to shove it there without, I kinda reach the shelf itself, but in its current state the cover is likely to fall from there, and probably with some other things, so that would upset me which I am not ready to deal with now).

    But the stepladder is now occupied by my winter shoes which were drying there before I put them away for summer.
    But to put them away I need to get two big boxes from under my bed, empty one by putting everything that is there into the other one, put all the shoes there, put the boxes back under the bad, ensure all the boxes there are arranged in a way that is allowing my cat to play in that labyrinth, and probably clean up after that as I suppose there’s going to be a few dust bunnies.

    Gosh, I got tired by just typing all that.

    Going through all those steps may bot take too much time(if I don’t get distracted by something, including the urge to sort everything perfectly), but the very thought of going through all those steps just discourages me so much that I can’t find energy to start. “It’s just one duvet cover!” - they say. “It’s a shitton of steps!” - I answer.

    Well, the cover is drying in a way that obscures a view from my bed which irritates me enough to maybe develop enough anger to put it away in the weekend.





    @actuallyautistic

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @olena @actuallyautistic just yesterday I was talking to my wife about this. If you want to increase my chances of doing something, reduce the number of steps to do it. Even if this isn’t possible physically, talking about it in fewer steps is still more effective than a longer list of smaller steps.

    As an additional phenomenon, when I have one of those “but too many steps” moments, my brain can come up with every possible (however implausible) eventuality and tortures me with imaginary scenes of these playing out, simultaneously, in vivid detail complete with every sense from touch to smell to sound, in the first few seconds of me encountering the task.

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @olena @actuallyautistic right? Sometimes in multiple, branching timelines, if I had to guess 😂

    AnAutieAtUni , to actuallyadhd group
    @AnAutieAtUni@neurodifferent.me avatar

    Question for AuDHD folk:

    Do you find that novelty can help you do something new that otherwise you wouldn’t do due to its challenging nature?

    I.e. sensory and social overload is averted, at least while something is classed as “novel”, because the buzz that comes from doing something novel keeps you going.

    I ask because I’m wondering if the thrill of novelty where I simply love exploring and experiencing new things is what is helping me keep going in life. Without it, most of these new situations (and older similar ones) would simply not appeal to me at all due to the way they challenge me on an autistic level. I would probably end up in burn out. And even the novel situations take a huge amount out of me, but at least I feel happy/ier about it?

    Later this year I have my ADHD assessment and I want to see if this resonates with others that identify as both autistic and ADHD. Alternatively, it could just be that I like novel things but if so, that really goes against my autistic tendencies - I function best day-to-day when in familiar, predictable situations. The opposite of novel! So it’s very strange to crave the opposite, even when it costs so much.

    Hope this makes sense, but please do ask me clarifying questions if not. 💛

    @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @AnAutieAtUni @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd novelty is what keeps me going. That’s absolutely the only thing that motivates me in life.

    But it’s difficult, tiring, expensive, and my non-existent executive function relies on it while it burns my autistic circuits out.

    It’s like that cartoon trope with the devil and angel on the shoulders, one craving stability, sameness and security while the other, the one that actually does the steering seeks novelty constantly.

    I think I’m well and truly effed, as the only way I can actually do anything is also the surefire recipe for burnout.

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @AnAutieAtUni @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd thanks, I hope so too!

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @catswhocode @Georgy @AnAutieAtUni @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd I have a weird relationship with ADHD meds. They work to make me capable of following instructions and do routine things but disable me from thinking up the instructions if that makes any sense.

    I’m used to my brain firing on all cylinders. That’s how I think. Forming ideas is effortless for me, but following through with the actions needed to bring those ideas to reality is absolutely not. That second part requires willpower, which I generally lack. ADHD meds inhibit the automatic idea generation and whip up the willpower. With no ideas to act on, I wouldn’t say they work for me.

    twan , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @twan@mastodon.online avatar

    It can be frustrating that even when I use very purposeful, precise words, NT's sometimes seem intent on misunderstanding them. I know that's not actually the case, but I'm not in control of my emotional response to this happening. Goes to show, we're all only human.


    @actuallyautistic

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @twan @actuallyautistic serious question: how do you differentiate between the times this is not the case and those that it actually is?

    I’m usually operating on the assumption that misunderstandings don’t happen deliberately but then it’s revealed later that some, in fact, did.

    H2O , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @H2O@climatejustice.social avatar

    friends, do you feel jealousy? I don't much, and am wondering if it's an autist thing or a me thing.

    @actuallyautistic

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @twan @H2O @actuallyautistic I think I’m like this too.

    I know what jealousy feels like so there must’ve been occasions where I felt it but it’s not a dominant feeling in my day to day experience. Envy, sure, all the time but that’s also pretty mild. I’m more interested in the thing or skill I’m envious of than the concept of another person having them.

    theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

    People abuse humans, causing intense trauma, and then have the chutzpah to tell us we are violent and aggressive when we say “NO”

    @actuallyautistic

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic aah, the oldest bullying technique in the books.

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @roknrol @catswhocode @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic mine took about two weeks.

    Our admin is solid, but being neurodivergent, can need some time to get around to things.

    Uair , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @Uair@autistics.life avatar

    @actuallyautistic

    Question for people in the developed world

    How many eggs do you fry for yourself?

    I live in america on half the poverty line. I'm pretty poor by any measure. When i fry eggs for myself, i usually fry four. I know that's an absurd luxury by the standards of most people in history, but financially it's silly for me to ration eggs.

    It's just something i noticed.

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @Uair @actuallyautistic I fry two, but usually eat them with different stuff so, if I just had eggs, four would be welcome I guess.

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @Uair @actuallyautistic one of my favorites is eggs with potatoes. It’s not a side when they are combined in the pan 😂

    AnAutieAtUni , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @AnAutieAtUni@neurodifferent.me avatar

    I’m trying to rewire my brain to fully accept that a huge number of people use the word neurodiverse to mean neurodivergent and so I want to accept that neurodiverse = neurodivergent. I think it’s time to do this as it’s everywhere. My brain knows it’s not a synonym and keeps fighting this, though!

    My way of reasoning with this is that language has never been static. The diversity of people using it, the diverse range of influences on it, all the creative brains coining new terms or new meanings for existing ones… even the most rigid of language rules can have exceptions to their rules!

    Anyone else struggle with this?!

    @actuallyautistic

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @androcat @AnAutieAtUni @actuallyautistic I’m sorry but this is a terrible excuse to use grammatically incorrect language.

    Diversity, by definition, requires a plurality. Single things can’t be diverse. This is a linguistic issue, not political.

    Calling a single person “diverse” is like calling them “various” or “several”. You don’t expect, linguistically, to hear a phrase such as “several person”, you expect “several people”.

    Diverse is similar. You expect to hear a word describing a plurality after that, such as people, or population, or society. You simply don’t expect to hear “person”.

    Also the notion that the term “neurodivergent” assumes a “normal person” is ridiculous. It assumes there’s a range of neurological makeups that’s considered normal and there are other makeups that diverge from that significantly. People in the normal range are called neurotypical, and those outside of it are neurodivergent, while the whole of human species, and all societies are neurodiverse.

    Now, the definition or the criteria to determine what this range are not set in stone obviously, and we can one day very well do away with the whole notion of grouping people into different categories (and I think we should strive to do this), but this is no excuse to say “to hell with the mechanics of language” and use adjectives in deliberately incorrect ways.

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @androcat @AnAutieAtUni @actuallyautistic if a person is considered several by their lonesome, there’s no way to think about this without assuming a plurality within that person. It’s possible to conceive of this, but not without accepting a paradox.

    Take a plural person, and I know I broke my own prescribed rule here, and think about their minds. You treat a plural person as multiple people. Single things and multiple things have different connotations in the mind, even without any linguistic rule prescription.

    My point is, neurodivergent and neurodiverse are both useful terms in describing individual people and groups of people, respectively. They are related, linguistically connected terms. For diversity to be possible in a population, divergence must be possible on an individual level. There’s a certain mechanical relationship between these terms. You can linguistically define the rules that turn one into the other. Those rules may not be the same forever and different languages may handle a similar situation differently but that doesn’t mean at any given moment for a given language there isn’t a common, albeit fuzzy, understanding of how the mechanics of language works. Communication would be impossible otherwise. We at least know it’s possible, as difficult as it is.

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @androcat @AnAutieAtUni @actuallyautistic I understand this but we are talking about using language for activism here. Even within that you have a certain intentionality.

    You think forcing neurodiverse into the place occupied by neurodivergent is a good move because of a connotation you find incorrect or maybe distasteful within the word “divergent”. I don’t think that connotation is there.

    Even if we accept there are no universal rules, it’s clear that we both see solid differences between the ways we understand these words. You gave your reasoning, I gave mine, and we aren’t agreeing. I guess that’s fine.

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @Uair @androcat @AnAutieAtUni @actuallyautistic see, you define your mind’s diversity by referring to multiple personality threads.

    You said “a dozen personality threads”, not “a single diverse thread.” Language sort of forced you to pluralize in order not to confuse the reader. You could very well say, if you feel all these multiple threads are indeed one unified mind, “one multiple thread” and have understood it perfectly within your head but it would be confusing to the outside world.

    All I’m trying to say is that there’s a practicality to language, which I define as linguistic rules. Within the science of linguistics this notion might be described differently and I’m talking out of my ass in that regard, but I’m sure I’m at least somewhat coherent in what I’m saying. The conditions creating the possibility of this coherence is what I call “linguistic rules.”

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @androcat @Uair @AnAutieAtUni @actuallyautistic I don’t mind they/them for singular people (and funny side note, my native language has one single third person pronoun which combines he/she/it, and it is directly pluralized to define a group of third persons), but I’m a bit mindfucked by “themself”, even though I see the point.

    I don’t see how a committee is different than society, population, or forest.

    The way the language in my head works, a neurodiverse group has individuals with a diverse set of neurological makeups. A neurodivergent person diverges from the hypothetical mean of the group, regardless of any one individual existing on this hypothetical mean. A neurodivergent group can also be defined, where all individuals diverge from their collective hypothetical mean. This can also mean all individuals in the group diverge from a hypothetical mean of several different groups, thus the mean of the neurodivergent group will show a divergence from the mean of the group of groups.

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @androcat @nddev @Uair @AnAutieAtUni @actuallyautistic omg, this! Thank you!

    When I said plural and singular, what I should’ve said was distributive and collective. I lacked the terminology.

    To me, diversity is collective. A group can be diverse collectively but not distributively, thus “a neurodiverse person” doesn’t mean anything to me. In other words, a single person can have one and only one neurological makeup at any given moment (which may or may not change in time depending on plasticity). In yet other words, I can’t conceive of a context where “diverse” is meaningful without describing a set of differences in a group.

    Divergence, on the other hand, can be collective and distributive, depending on context.

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @androcat @nddev @Uair @AnAutieAtUni @actuallyautistic everyone is diverging not diversing because diverse isn’t a verb. It is the adjective which describes a collection of things that have diverged from each other.

    If the group was all one way but collectively diverged, then it would a divergent group, but wouldn’t be diverse. If we mix up diverse and divergent, we can’t make this distinction without defining new words.

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @androcat @nddev @Uair @AnAutieAtUni @actuallyautistic I’m not saying a group can be diverse compared to another group. A group can only be diverse in and of itself. If it is made up of divergent entities, it is diverse. Diversity isn’t comparing one thing to another, it’s comparing individuals of a group to each other.

    If two groups are made up of identical individuals within themselves which are different to the other group, then these are two non-diverse groups. They are, however, a diverse collection of groups because they make up a two member group of groups which have diversity among them.

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @androcat @nddev @Uair @AnAutieAtUni @actuallyautistic a group being diverse is a collective action. It is the group’s being made up of different individuals. The individuals are distributively divergent. They all diverge individually, which makes the group collectively diverse.

    It’s really a simple chain of definitions, the way I’m understanding and using them. There’s no inconsistency. Things, or individuals diverge from a norm. This norm can be actual or hypothetical. It can also be a range. The diverging individuals are said to be divergent. A group which contains divergent individuals is, by definition, diverse because diverse is defined as “being in a state of containing different entities”.

    devxvda , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @devxvda@mastodon.ie avatar

    @actuallyautistic The Transition / photochromic Acuvue Oasys contact lenses have been discontinued 😭

    Stock up while you can

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @devxvda @actuallyautistic this is the thing I hate the most about capitalism after all the exploitation. If something works well for people, “is this profitable” shouldn’t be a factor in deciding if something will be produced.

    pathfinder , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @pathfinder@cutie.city avatar

    @actuallyautistic

    Because it will keep coming up and bears repeating. This study gave me the truest understanding of what burnout was, especially in terms of how I experienced it. It was simply my inability to keep up with the demands being placed upon me and my reaction to the extended period of trying to anyway.

    Obviously, this may not be the same for others. Burnout, rather like meltdowns or shutdowns, can be difficult concepts to get your head around and especially whether they apply to you. Many people will describe them in different ways and with varying degrees of severity. From complete incapacity to intense struggles.

    But that is the fun thing about us autistic's. We are so unique from each other. We are not the homogenous mass that the neurotypicals seem (and to be fair, in many ways are). How we experience things, how we react, are always going to be unique to us.


    https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32851204/

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @Jobob @Zumbador @pathfinder @actuallyautistic one thing that’s for sure is that we all have different sets of “intensity settings” on any given human function. If you have a typical executive function, you have a typical executive function. You can also have an overly active executive function, which is I believe the foundation of the impulsive type of ADHD.

    My imposter syndrome argument is eye contact. I have a typical eye contact behavior, and I use the information I read from people’s faces, including eyes, to gauge their mood and feelings. However, my reaction to this information isn’t what a NT person would have, so the typical eye contact doesn’t help me have typical social interactions.

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @Mux @Jobob @Zumbador @pathfinder @actuallyautistic so, what were the important differences between the two experiences for you? if that’s ok for me to ask.

    CynAq ,
    @CynAq@neurodifferent.me avatar

    @Mux @Jobob @Zumbador @pathfinder @actuallyautistic geez, your “regular burnout” sounds like my everyday existence whenever I’m not free to behave the way I like, which is pretty much any setting where I’m not surrounded by people I trust in an environment I’m familiar with.

    What I call burnout is your autistic version. I never not feel grey and wretched in formal social settings and corporate work environments.

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