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filmfreak75

@filmfreak75@mastodon.social

For I am nothing, if not critical. —Iago, Othello

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atomicpoet , to Random stuff
@atomicpoet@atomicpoet.org avatar

A.I. generative art is really screwing with Google results.

I'm looking for a dress for my wife, and all I'm seeing are these A.I. images of women who aren't even anatomically correct.

At the very least, can Google please ban A.I. images from search?

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@atomicpoet or make a toggle to filter them out

Ilovechai , to ActuallyAutistic group
@Ilovechai@sciences.social avatar

I don't have the spoons to explain why I feel my neurodivergence is making this worse, but I need feedback or insight from other ND people on a unique experience. This will be a long thread (added in replies) but I'm hopeful there will be a few kind readers who either relate or have something supportive to share.
Here goes:
1/
@actuallyautistic @actuallyaudhd


filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@Ilovechai @actuallyautistic @actuallyaudhd there is a new discord from Mike at AutisticAF on YouTube as part of his Patreon

https://youtube.com/@autistic_af?si=G-UZW0wKOqjorBxn

https://www.patreon.com/AutisticAF

atomicpoet , to Random stuff
@atomicpoet@atomicpoet.org avatar

Now I understand why Video Cat is the only video rental store that’s still in business here in Vancouver because that place has the motherlode of goods!

I waked away with 11 VHS tapes, 3 Wii games, 1 PC game, and 1 manga.

It all cost me C$45.

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@atomicpoet our version of that is Scarecrow Video

eo , to ActuallyAutistic group
@eo@dads.cool avatar

"high functioning autism" is basically bulimia for executive functioning.
What do you think about this analogy, @actuallyautistic?

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@eo @actuallyautistic this sounds grossly offensive to both groups

filmfreak75 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic @autistics just had to change my out of office plans for tomorrow because my co-worker never told me she was going to be out and needed me to cover until now

yet i was chewed out by my boss in January for giving 5 months advance notice of time out since i did a group email for efficiency and not individual emails to 5 people

yet i'm the asshole apparently

filmfreak75 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic @autistics just had to fake concern for a toxic asshole in my life -- masking sucks

dorgaldir , to ActuallyAutistic group Dutch
@dorgaldir@mastodon-belgium.be avatar

I feel this so hard. Why can't people just be clear about what they want?
@actuallyautistic

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@Shufei @dorgaldir @actuallyautistic that and the original caption above the pic is extremely ableist

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@Shufei @woozle @alstonvicar @zyd @miss__Tery @dorgaldir @actuallyautistic i have and continue to work for people who do this -- it's about the process and not the result that matters

and of course there can be only one right process to get the answer

filmfreak75 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic @autistics it seems everything today is poised to tip me over the rage precipice i’ve been hovering for months

filmfreak75 OP ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@EVDHmn @actuallyautistic @autistics well, working from home does allow the rage to get pressure released as the stressors occurs

however, today is just reaching a level of where i feel less in control than i am comfortable with

and the mastodon groups do help a lot since it’s nice to get validation re what i am feeling

filmfreak75 OP ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@jacquiharper @EVDHmn @actuallyautistic @autistics i was doing something like that earlier, but then it upsets the cats, and then i feel bad, so cycle of suck

filmfreak75 OP ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic @autistics i just used this GIF on another post but seems appropriate here now too

serenity now episode GIF

filmfreak75 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic @autistics i didn’t make it to 7 minutes of the 25 minute video — i like order and structure as much as the next , but this made me feel insane https://mastodon.social/@harshil/112273758345114562

filmfreak75 OP ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@Zumbador @actuallyautistic @autistics it seems overly complicated system. couldn’t a written shorthand have worked?

tchambers , to Fediverse News
@tchambers@indieweb.social avatar

Wonder how many new Fediverse users this drives….? cc: @fediversenews

https://techcrunch.com/2024/04/15/elon-musk-plans-to-charge-new-x-users-to-enable-posting/

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@tchambers @fediversenews i knew this was coming

JeremyMallin , to ActuallyAutistic group
@JeremyMallin@autistics.life avatar

As someone who is actually autistic, should I use the ActuallyAutistic hashtag every time I talk about autism, or only sometimes, for more serious philosophical posts about autism? Or maybe only for my own personal experiences as someone who is autistic?

What do you do?

@actuallyautistic

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@janetlogan @JeremyMallin @actuallyautistic lately when i post using the groups/hashtags it’s to get a reality check on something going on

before i’d automatically assume it was just me being overly sensitive and internalize it all and berate myself over it later

filmfreak75 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic @autistics think this may apply to some degree from tome to time https://mastodon.social/@nocontexttrek/112264664730462847

filmfreak75 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic @autistics going to film in person is one of my special interests.

this event is very loud and crowded, but i’ve been going annually for over 10 years.

if i had to guess, i’d bet there are a lot of people who
attend.

amazing how a sense of community manifests even in this environment.
https://mastodon.social/@filmfreak75/112265227857558204

lowqualityfacts , to Random stuff
@lowqualityfacts@mstdn.social avatar

Not cool Walt.
https://patreon.com/lowqualityfacts

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@lowqualityfacts he was not a nice man … that we herald
him the way we do now is gross

lowqualityfacts , to Random stuff
@lowqualityfacts@mstdn.social avatar

I love Keanu Reeves.

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@lowqualityfacts they’re all addicted to John Wick

MrBerard , to Firefox
@MrBerard@pilote.me avatar

I have conflicting feelings; I'd like to know yours, delightful community of misfits, weirdos, and worse.

Here we go:

Vertical Tabs ??? (in a browser: , )

Please boost for visibility.

I'm pushing this to @actuallyadhd and @actuallyautistic because of the information processing angle. (More in first comment)

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@MrBerard @actuallyadhd @actuallyautistic not
sure if my aversion is a processing, vision or habit thing.

that said, my computer docks are all left side vertical, for maximizing top to bottom space, and it confuses people.

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@bhawthorne @actuallyautistic @MrBerard @actuallyadhd there’s been a slow and steady progression building up the last few months so this was inevitable — fortunately the meeting it happened during was with the more reasonable people at work

pathfinder , to ActuallyAutistic group
@pathfinder@beige.party avatar

@actuallyautistic

I once wrote about how it was not unrealistic, to think that there was no such thing as an un-traumatised autistic. About how so many of us have known bullying and persecution simply for being different. Not even always for what we may have said or done, but often for simply standing out; in all the ways that we didn't even know we were. How just simply being, was so often an excuse to be attacked or punished. That our very existence, even as hard as we tried to mask, whether we knew that was what we were doing or not, was the cause of so much pain.

All the scars we carry from misreading situations. Or from believing in something, or someone, and being burnt as a consequence. All the times we've tried to stand up for ourselves, or as often as not for others, and been dismissed and ridiculed. All the misjudgements and disbelieve and times when our intent and purpose have been seen in the ways that were never, ever, meant. The sheer inability for others to see us as we are, or to judge us accordingly. But, always to seem to want to see the worst and to base everything else on that.

But the more I learn and understand about being autistic. The more I realise that so much of my trauma and the scars that were left, came not just from this overt pain, but from the covert well-meaning of others as well. From my parents and relatives, from friends and teachers. From all the advice and instruction I have received over the years that was meant to shape me in the right way. As a child, to teach me how to grow up, how to behave and act. What was expected and what wasn't. And then, as an adult, how I was supposed to be and how a successful life, with me in it, was supposed to look. All the rules I was supposed to learn, all the codes I was supposed to follow. How to act, how to speak, what to feel, when to feel it. What I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to be.

Not in any unusual way. Not in any way that you weren't supposed to raise a child, well a normal child anyway. That's what makes this so covert. If you were trying to do this to a child knowing that they were autistic, then it's overt abuse. It is ABA, it is infantilising and punishing a child for always failing to become something, that they had no more chance of becoming than a cat has of becoming a dog. But for those of us who didn't know we were autistic. It was simply the constant hammering of the world trying, without even realising it, to fit a round peg into a square hole and all the pain and disappointment that came from their failure to come even close.

For me, what made this worse, was that it wasn't as if I didn't know that I was different, not in my heart, but that I thought that I shouldn't be. That I should be able to learn what I was being taught, that I should be able to follow the guidance. That I wasn't any different really from anyone else and so if I failed to act in the right way, or react the way I should, for that matter, then it was my fault. All the patient sighs and familiar looks, simply became just another reinforcement of my failure. Even being told off for the simplest things, became a reminder that something that I should have been able to do, was beyond me and always for the only reason that ever made any sense; that I was broken, that it was my fault somehow.

Is it any wonder that so much of my life has been about trying to justify myself in the light of this, of trying to become that "good dog". Of judging myself against an impossible standard. A constant lurching from one bad to choice to another, and always because I thought they were the right ones. And for each new failure and inability to even come close, another scar, another reminder of what I wasn't. Further proof that my self-esteem was right to be so low. Of how I was such a failure and a bad person. That I was never going to be a proper son or brother or friend. Because I couldn't even be what I was supposed to be, let alone what I should become.

Looking back, I can't help thinking about how much of my life I spent living this way; of trying not to repeat the sins of my past. Of not repeating the actions or behaviour that led to those past failures and trauma. Of, in fact, all the effort I put in to not being myself. Because that, I realise now, was what I was trying to do. I was that round peg and trying to hammer myself into the square hole. Because everything I had learnt had taught me to think that this was how I had to be. That this was how you grew. And in so many ways, I can't help feeling angry about this. About the wasted years, about the scars I carry that were never my fault. About the way I was brought up, even though none of it was ever meant, but only ever well-meant.


filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@glen i’m late diagnosed (about 4-6 weeks ago) and have had this conversation with my therapist and he has said it was a sign of how different the diagnostic criteria and understanding were when i was a kid @BernieDoesIt @pathfinder @Tooden @actuallyautistic

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@BernieDoesIt i have a significant congenital vision disorder that was blamed for a lot of things @glen @pathfinder @Tooden @actuallyautistic

hooves , to Random stuff
@hooves@bark.lgbt avatar

My doctor wasn't interested in giving me an diagnosis.

I've had him for 10 years, have only seen him for 3-4 appointments during this time, and In our 45 seconds discussing autism, he stated, after literallylooking me up and down, "I don't see it."

Well, you wouldn't. I do eye contact for important short meetings like doctors and lawyers, I am a chameleon and can dress myself for any role, including, "older dude going to doctors office" and I can read, write and speak fairly eloquently, so in these meetings, what would he even be "seeing"?? 🤔

I'm assuming that some people shop for diagnosis for long term disability or other reasons, but I just wanted to know if I suck at Being Normal for any particular reason besides I Suck at Life, which I'm ... oh, whatever. There is no easy path for a second opinion, so I guess it dies here.

Apparently not after all, and as I don't see any other path to diagnosis, I should probably shut the f about it

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@Kathmandu i chose a therapist who was a specialist in adult autism and it was a good thing @niamhgarvey @Tim_McTuffty @hooves @BernieDoesIt @actuallyautistic

filmfreak75 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic @autistics the employer gaslighting must stop

filmfreak75 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic @autistics i had an all too familiar feeling today during my last Zoom call -- extreme sensory overload

i never knew there was an actual thing i could identify and explain to people that would not make me sound crazy

how my life could have been different had i been diagnosed 40+ years ago

autism101 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@autism101@mstdn.social avatar

Disney is updating its Disability Access program because they say it is being abused. Their solution? You must get prior approval by using Disney's virtual video chat system to speak with a member of the accessibility team.

@actuallyautistic

https://www.disabilityscoop.com/2024/04/10/disney-revamping-disability-access-policies-at-theme-parks/30825/

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@autism101 oh they know, this is a way to make a more “beautiful” and less “messy” experience @actuallyautistic

filmfreak75 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@autistics @actuallyautistic someone at work sent me a bunch of stuff on “System Thinking” -- never heard of this before and based on how passive aggressive my work environment is, i am very apprehensive about it

jf_718 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@jf_718@mas.to avatar

Do you feel weird about getting compliments with regards to having done stuff well especially if the compliments are made in public/a group setting?

@actuallyautistic

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@jf_718 i work in a highly passive aggressive environment for highly passive aggressive people so most compliments feel back-handed or insincere @actuallyautistic

youronlyone , to ActuallyAutistic group
@youronlyone@c.im avatar

How do you define the term, “Openly Autistic”?

  • Is it an autistic person who rarely masks?
  • Or, an autistic who isn't afraid and/or shy to share that they are actually autistic?
  • Or, an autistic person who is active in the autism acceptance “movement” (if we can call it that)?
  • Or, perhaps, an autistic who were interviewed and disclosed they're autistic?

Maybe you have other considerations or criteria that defines “openly autistic” for you?

NOTE: Being openly autistic is a choice and is not for everyone. I think it is safe to say that we all face discrimination, stereotyping, and prejudice for being actually autistics, thus, most choose not to be open about it.

However, recently, there has been a slow growth in numbers of openly autistics, and like with most things in life, we have different criteria, definitions, and cultural considerations.

Thus, I am curious what you think, personally or maybe your immediate environment or organisation, is an openly autistic person. Or, when do you consider one as openly autistic.

Again, this is not about if an autistic person should be openly autistic or not. ^_^

Thank you for your interesting insights!

  • Autism symbol by: MissLunaRose12
  • License: CC By-SA 4.0 International
  • Source: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Autism_Symbol_Proposed_2.png

Tags:

Groups: @autistics @actuallyautistic

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@youronlyone i'm very newly diagnosed and as i look back on my life not sure i ever really masked since i had other attributes that led people to treat me badly anyway.

i have been open about my diagnosis with the few people i interact with but also not broadcasting at the moment.

also, i am debating about disclosing at work, not because i think it will improve the shitty treatment i get, but it might give me a basis for a future discrimination claim.

@autistics @actuallyautistic

filmfreak75 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic https://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/filestorage/ive-prepared-for-eclipse-safety-through-years-of-avoiding-eye-contact-Jn7.png

filmfreak75 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic this is an interesting read as i work in higher education and this resonated with me mot of all:

“We are often seen as reservoirs of innovative ideas, yet not as deserving of respect, acknowledgment, or leadership roles in the implementation of those ideas.”

My Unheeded Voice in the Echo Chamber of False Inclusivity | Autistic Musings Blog — The Coach

https://www.theautisticcoach.com/autism-blog/my-unheeded-voice-in-the-echo-chamber-of-false-inclusivity

mraharrison , to ActuallyAutistic group
@mraharrison@mstdn.social avatar

@actuallyautistic Hi all adults over 40, who were late diagnosed like me to share experiences. What's the best thing you did once you knew?

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@mraharrison @actuallyautistic i'm on week 4 of my diagnosis and for me, everything just makes sense now.

my current tightrope is around my passive aggressive (at times toxic) workplace. unfortunately, my new understanding has only made me realize just how fucked up it is.

filmfreak75 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic just disclosed to my first colleague (we work together on non-primary job stuff) and it went well ... maybe there is hope
https://mastodon.social/@filmfreak75/112219555394278049

filmfreak75 OP ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@pathfinder she’s one of my favorite colleagues anyway so i shouldn’t be surprised

@actuallyautistic

filmfreak75 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic i’m a late diagnosed autistic and wondering if anyone has any advice for self disclosing to an employer?

for context, i've been at my job for 5 years, get very good reviews, and am not intending to ask for accommodation unless my work from home status changes.

my employer has a good PR game on being supportive, respectful, inclusive, etc. but my immediate sphere is at times very toxic.

hoping self disclosure may give me some legal class protection.

filmfreak75 OP ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@nddev in the US and talked to an adjacent arm of HR about the passive aggressive stuff going on and they said that none of it rised to actonable level.

at this point they have plausible deniability since they do not know. disclosing seems like it could possibly shut that door.

add to the mix, i work with a large number of lawyers and have worked in a legal environment for almost 20 years, so the nuance level is irritating.

@actuallyautistic

filmfreak75 OP ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@nohecate there is an brand new internal group but they are not in any shape yet to be of help.

based on past experience and things i’ve seen (here and in prior jobs), i am a wee bit leery of HR.

and while i do not think the behavior will change, it may add a different color to their behavior as it continues, to make it finally cross that HR would do something.

@actuallyautistic

filmfreak75 OP ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@nddev i work for a very large employer (state entity) so if i leave it will be this unit not the whole institution -- pay and benefits are too good

plus, i am at an age where job switching is no longer ideal since i need some long term retirement savings built up at a single employer

@actuallyautistic

filmfreak75 OP ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@GTMLosAngeles yeah, this is the issue -- i do not think it will change certain people's behaviors, but it might prove a shield if i move to make a complaint again, as it might be taken more serious.

@actuallyautistic

adelinej , to ActuallyAutistic group
@adelinej@thecanadian.social avatar

Just came across a very interesting thread about vocabulary in which I learned a new meaning for the 1st choice ⬇️ , in brackets.

So, I’m curious now @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd and others that I’m not aware about, how do you identify yourself?

I’m talking about personal preference, not how others could identify you. For example, I don’t like being included in one of choices below, because for me it’s a word that minimizes and dismisses my reality.

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@adelinej i voted neurodivergent of the choices but that seems too broad.

i am recently diagnosed autistic and i am mostly using that but even that is a very broad umbella.

@actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

lowqualityfacts , to Random stuff
@lowqualityfacts@mstdn.social avatar

I've heard rumors that he has gills.
https://patreon.com/lowqualityfacts

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@lowqualityfacts if you were his size and frame, you’d have trouble walking too

filmfreak75 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic apparently one of my passive aggressive bosses was trying to sign me up for Lean Six Sigma training without asking me first.

when i pointed this out to the trainer, he responded “Lean offers lots of value through the use of tools and problem solving methods."

i guess i wasn't aware that i was falling down on the job i've been doing for 5 years (with excellent reviews) and that my passive aggressive boss has only been doing for 4 months

filmfreak75 OP ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@kimhoar i have 3 bosses, she is exactly like my main boss who i’ve suffered all 5 years -- my 3rd boss is a reasonable and warm person so 1 out of 3 is better than all 3 i guess @actuallyautistic

autism101 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@autism101@mstdn.social avatar

Do you need routines but actually dislike them at the same time?

image: unknown
@actuallyautistic

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@robotdiver i relate -- i use Todoist to keep track and remind me of stuff for both work and personal

also helps me keep unnecessary or less necessary stuff in the app and out of my head so only the very important stuff stays in my head

@autism101 @actuallyautistic

innervisioner , to ActuallyAutistic group
@innervisioner@mastodonapp.uk avatar

An question: Do you ever get negatively judged , deemed a doomer or get a general bad reaction when you’re just being honest about something?

Had this with someone the other day and it was a strong visceral reminder of one reason why I used to mask so hard I wouldn’t give my opinion on most stuff.

@actuallyautistic

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@innervisioner i think this is an area i never masked well with friends and as i am getting older my patience to try to mask at work is dwindling, so i am often considered the "negative one" in most situations @actuallyautistic

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@innervisioner @actuallyautistic the bulk of my friends this was an issue with are long since gone now

filmfreak75 ,
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@innervisioner was after i got married 7 years ago and now we are getting divorced -- i'll be better off across the board @actuallyautistic

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